only a few days to go

This afternoon I drew Ingus; beyond a new beginning, a time of completion to move on to the next step.

With only four days to return to MN, I help but take notice of where I am on this easy Sunday.

I'm calm...reflective and a little curious..about what the next several weeks will bring.

Living in a home with a lover during a Minnesota fall surrounded by friends and family.

It sounds too easy...too homey, but I bet it will feel sweet.

"Be centered and grounded, freeing yourself from unwanted influences."

kreature

couldn't figure out how to start again...

So I drew a rune...

Nauthiz;

constraint
necessity
pain

these three words do fit...my current mood.

i can not stop counting the days...

in moments i am in pain, which is an unfortunate necessity...

i can't wait to return to a minnesota fall, to be with him.

i have been turned upside down by my ankles...in love...all the pieces of my life have spilled onto the ground, now i choose which ones to put back in my pockets.

it's a great sunday morning...beautiful fall day in Colorado.

i feel loved

kreature

Sunday...

I've spent a few moments reflecting on the pace of my life these days.

It seems a bit routine these days, same people, same places, same drama.

I seem to float between both routine & disappearing into woods.

When I don't linger out of my home I feel very anti-social, yet when I take risks,
they seem to backfire.

I kinda bored of it all, right now.

Luckily, I will spend the next three weeks mostly in the woods,

So maybe I'll appreciate the routine when I return.

Eihwaz; nothing hectic, no acting needy or lusting after a desired outcome. Perseverance and foresight. Through inconvenience and discomfort, growth is promoted. This is a trying yet, meaningful time.


Hmmm,

Kreature

Processin'

I spent the last few days with my new crew at MTW...
they have a ton of new ideas and fresh eyes for the organization.
I have found that the type of people I get to work with are creative and caring.

Change is always difficult...but I see it as a good transition.
The woods embraced me, the work was difficult, I huffed and puffed up the peak, but it felt good.
I feel in love with my new light weight backpacking hammock..greatest sleep...totally beats sleeping on the ground.
I love how I feel after a trip...such a sense of accomplishment!

Speaking of accomplishment...I realize that our media is totally absorbed my MJs death...and who knows how long the frenzy will last. However...my first cassette was given to me by my father and it was MJ BAD. It does feel like I am losing a part of my childhood...even though my childhood was rocky...It is funny that I remember MJ as a part of my life in 2nd grade. How does a man in only 50 years...affect our world in the way he has. RIP Micheal.

I'm hanging in the front country until July 7th....I'll try to write more soon.

Kreature

another sunday morning...

Morning!

I have spent the last few days with MTW co-workers. They are a cool bunch of people.
It was fun to reconnect with the ones of last summer, it was easy to chat with the ones I had worked with this spring, and the new faces have new experiences and ideas.

My social circles seem to have taken an odd turn.
The drama upon returning to the valley was a bit of a shock.
I'm trying to keep them from crossing, but this is a very small valley.


So I hope to hide out for a few days,
I leave on our staff wilderness trip on thursday.
I can't wait to get back in the woods.

Today I have an easy morning, an afternoon shift at Sbucks...
and tonight I can chill at home.

Fehu; Dispossessions ranging from trivial to severe. What do I need to learn from this? Recognize where my true nourishment lies.

kreature

Last day of May...

As much as I was dreading a long week off...it was an easy week.

I took my bike out a few times, visited with friends and met a few new locals.

The weather was iffy dictating my activities.

I have a few days of work, a couple errands to run and weekend plans in Boulder and Vail.

My Sunday morning routine always seems to start off the week right.

An easy start, a little prairie home companion, a few practical moments and the rest comes easy.

Sowelu; rune of wholeness; I can of mine own self do nothing...

kreature

an oddity about men

Last night I had a dream about DJ, it hit me like a brick.

I was searching for him, in apt buildings full of beds and people.

I was stopping people and begging them...where is he where has he gone?

I think I knew he was far away, but I kept feeling that I was catching glimpses of him.

It was unsettling.

On an entirely different note,
I've decided men are like ice cream
some flavors are good, but I would not go back for seconds.
some are new & exciting, but they are usually on limited edition,
so you never know when you will get a chance to have it again.
many are great, so you can always fall back on those flavors in a pinch.
I keep looking for the one that will blow my mind!

It's been a quiet cloudy day...I have enjoyed it.

kreature

back to spring...

My return to Colorado is colored in spring...
blooming purple & white flowers on the trees
greenery everywhere.

I don't even mind the rain... it is cooling and inviting.

I slept all day yesterday dreaming of island life as if I was rejecting my return.

But today, I feel ready to embrace spring and my simple life in CO.

The cool fresh air and the eagle river outside my window has helped me ease back into my life.

The great thing about adventures is returning with a bigger perspective, however the challenge is trying to keep that perspective as open and new as it is now, because soon the reality that surrounds me will take up my thoughts.

I'm glad to be home...

kreature

hola en Puerto Rico!!!

Vacation all I ever wanted...Vacation it's time to get away!

Though mi padre can be a drag...

I took it upon myself last night to make my own fun...

and it was well worth it... a night in the ritz...a handome young new yorker...

mmm...this is a story for girlfriends!

super fun...today I spend the day near the beach

tomorrow I head to St. Thomas..

yeah....I love vacation!

kreature

Sorry..I didn't realize

A month has past.....since my last post.

The ski season is over and on a rainy Sunday like today it feels like Spring.

I have been busy, last month I earned my Wilderness First Responder Certification; it will open opportunities for camps next summer.

This summer I am sticking with the Meet the Wilderness gig....

It has already provided two weeks of work; taking forth graders to Colorado National Monument.

It has been fun hiking, climbing, camping and chasing lizards in the desert.

I still find so much joy in work where I can travel and play.

When I return home, I appreciate my life.

I have been hanging with the locals @ my favorite spot.

It is good...now I am off to Puerto Rico to visit my padre and friends in St. Thomas.

New friends have helped me a ton in the last month and old friends have reappeared.

"make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold;
a circle is round it has no end, that is how long I will be your friend!"
just a simple song that the 4th graders taught me :)

kreature

Spring yet???

So my week of self searching didn't lead to much.....

It was lonely and boring and no new hobbies entered into my week.

I feel like I need a big change.

A few days left of the season has left me feeling...displaced.

I don't want to serve another f'ing customer at Sbucks.

I don't want to spend another minute working...

I would like to know why I feel so unmotivated this week.

I'm not unhappy...I'm just a bit bored!!!

I do have big plans for the next month.

I will be camping this time next week with my spring gig...once my spring gig is up I get to travel to puerto rico to visit my padre..however...I think it would be more fun if I had a travel companion.

I have never found a true travel companion...my friend jess is pretty close...but that is beacuse she ownes a VWbus.

I'm tired of my whinning..aren't you?

Which is why even this blog gets a bit tired and a bit to much effort..

WAAAA....WAAAA...WAAAA

kreature

Ding Dong....

Bitch is gone....holyshit....ding dong the wicked bitch is gone!!!

Yeah!!!

So my week of me has been great!

Yesterday I went to the hippy dip in Glenwood...bought myself a few presents and took myself out to lunch and when I returned she was gone:)!

I burnt some sage to clean out the air and my home is quiet!!!

I'm so thankful and grateful!!!

Hopefully the new young 25 year-old will behave...

kreature

SHE

SHE was going to move out Friday night!

SHE was going to move out Saturday!

SHE had better move out Tomorrow!


GRRRRR.....

kreature

Insanity

A friend defined insanity as...doing things the same way and expecting a different result.

It crawled under my skin and lived there for a few days.

I was offended and hurt that he would be so harsh...or accuse me of not doing this right.

The solution was to manifest all the things in my life to be right.

I didn't buy it, again it was back to me being accountable in every way for everything.

Like I'm not trying hard enough, thinking deliberately, or choosing the right actions.

When I really pondered it...I wanted to give myself another chance to try a different approach.

Then I pulled the rune Mannaz-The Self; The starting point is the self. The Self is required to balance the self. Nothing in excess. Be in the world but not of it. Only clarity, willingness to change, is effective now.

So I have decided to spend the next week being with myself...no bars...no going out...just being alone...I may hate it, I'm sure I will sleep a lot, but I need to be with me. Hopefully I will spend more time finding things to do...

My crazy roommate moves out tomorrow, I hope to reclaim my apartment...my new roommate is a young 25 year-old....but he should be ok.

Spring...I'm going to ease into it...

one week...next Thursday.

We will see how I do making a commitment to myself.

kreature

it is very late......don't bother.....

Oh.... goodness...godess...

i drew partnership yesterday....I found her...

she now knows my stroy...

and reacts as if she knows not

what she thinks....

hardship...emathy...compassion...

a very sweet soul...

it calms me today...

i miss you!

kreature

Too much....

I'm so exhausted....

I feel misplaced....

I blame myself....I blame the essence of me...

maybe I'm not motivated enough

maybe I'm not good enough

Maybe I'm not that cool

maybe I try too hard

maybe I'm unfocused

maybe this is when I start to go a little crazy

maybe I'm in the wrong place...again.

I just don't know anymore

maybe I need to be patient....

Gebo....the gift of partnership....hmmm ( feels a bit far-fetched today )

Another day

So I know when the song..."here comes the sun" by the Beatles puts me in tears...it's not me!

Yesterday was a miserable day...cried for half the day and slept for the other half.

The simple stresses of a shitty roommate, friends who take more from me then they give and a heart that just won't stop hurting...brings me to yesterdays madness. These days still surprise me; just when I think I'm dealing...I shut down...

Today...I want to feel numb get some drinks and hang out with the bar fly's that have there own issues...

on these days I think of my mother...the alcoholic...she i'm sure had several days that felt like this...where she just didn't want to feel. She couldn't be with her kids, she rarely had the support of her family...and really she just wanted to get by.

My challenge is how do I cruise this line between alcohol addiction and just needing a bit of relief.

It's not fair that I choose to cruise the line...but I am too single and too lonely to hide in a room, where I feel locked away, when my roommate is here.

My patience is wearing thin....as always.

Kano; The more light you have, the better you can see what is trivial and outmoded in your own conditioning.

kreature

Ides of March

Spring is coming on quickly and my luck doesn't seem to change much...

After getting with the landlord about my roommate he gave her thirty days to move...but then she rolled her vehicle and now has asked for a extension...who knows how long this could last.

She is back to her cheery self talking my ear off and testing my boundaries...and patience.

Really more lessons on patience...

I have been once again, trying to build relationships and as soon as I start to get them to open up, they surprise me with a new kind of crazy. Same crazy, different face.....really!?

However, I am spending more time riding and letting somethings bounce off a bit more.

But I am still looking for good friends and a focused purpose...maybe as I start to let go of the control. This will fall where they may....everything happens for a reason.


It is a full moon...it is beautiful and a great signal of a new cycle;

Ansuz...Signals

That what is happening is timely to your process. Consider the uses of adversity.

Interesting.....kreature

wow...what a week...

This week has been one of the craziest weeks yet;
Last week at this time, my roommate threatened to beat my ass, for asking her to close the patio door while she smoked. She screamed, "You wanna go kree!" Lets go!" I looked at her as if she was crazy and retreated to my local bar, for several hours so I could return home after she was asleep. The following day things were a bit tense...but she chose to write me a note that stated....It was my fault, and that I provoked her sense of violence. This has been the third times she has freaked out on me. The first was over a friend of mine wearing snowboard boots in the house, the second was over feeding the dog a peanut and the patio door was the third. After receiving her note...placing the blame on me...I had had enough! So I confronted her....what part of her threatening me was my fault...once again she lied and yelled and claimed that I was responsible for her actions. I continued to defend myself and tell her how uncalled for her actions were. As we were in a heated argument she screams.."This is domestic disturbance....I am going to call the cops!" Realizing that one she is full of shit and two that she is irrational...I go to my room to escape her B.S. I call a trusted friend and vent to her...within five minutes the crazy bitch is at my door screaming "quit talking about me you slut! I'm calling the cops!" Finally, I laugh and tell her to go ahead and call the cops....big threat! This week I have spent my time tiptoeing in and out of my room to avoid her. I have spoken to our third invisible roommate as we plan on finding a way to kick her out. Yet we both know that she cannot handle criticism, so we will need to plan accordingly and quickly.

I am not sure where all my good luck has gone to...every road feels like a prickly brick wall.
I continue to hope that things will improve...but it may be awhile.
However, my mood has changed a bit this week...my mood swings are mellow.
I feel a bit calmer.
Even though my friends that are close to me in vincinity are a bit dull, i have continued to trust my friends that have been with me the longest, even though they are pretty far away.
even Dan managed to give me a sense of friendship that I don't think I have appreciated before.
Spring is right around the corner...I can't believe the season is almost over.
Growth is in the air, however,

I need to be mindful that patience is essential for the recognition of my own progress which in it's season leads to the harvest of the self -Jera-

kreature

tossing & turning

I'm up too early this morning tossing & turning.

I am here.

Valentines day...a holiday meant to make single people feel desperate and to make couples accountable for love.

I'm hoping to avoid both of those feelings today....accountability and desperation.

I know I'm not the only single girl in the world, however it is my first v-day in four years, single.

I wish I could go back to any of those V-days.

Our trip to San fran, when we got wasted on haight street,

Our trip to visit friends that sent him on a late night adventure

A simple dinner at vin48

I know they say better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all

sometimes.... it seems like a cruel joke.

love is relative and to me it feels like a drug....I think about it everyday, I look for it in very dark places, I wish I always had it and when I get just a little bit of it, I act crazy.

I have always been starved of love...so I never really knew how it felt to be loved by choice.

This feels like the biggest lost....

worse than death, dishonesty or disinterest

I can't help but to miss him and his love today.

kreature

and in my dreams she appears

So in college, I had a best friend, who I truly enjoyed. She sought me out and changed my college experience.

However after college...my new life beckoned, and after making a few immature mistakes,

She wrote me off....and has yet to speak to me or contact me, other than a rude myspace message.

It is interesting, I dream of her several times in a year...

sometimes she appears and introduces me to her children, sometimes she appears in a party scene with her classic scowl.

At the moment I am losing another friend...

I guess do to this experience, I expect to lose friends.

People are not perfect, but the sense of trust is so hard to peg.

I'm losing my current friend over a few scratches on a t.v.

I think I lost my college friend over a heating bill...or something...it was years ago...I barley remember, what the issue was.

This petty sense of "I trusted you to be perfect and never fail me"

has never been part of me, people have failed me my whole life...yet I have always been forced to forgive them and move on.

which is why last night she appeared in my dream, with a scowl yet, I was please to have her sitting in a chair across from me.

It was small talk...."so how is your life?" I asked her with a smile.

She is like a ghost to me know...much like when my mother and grandmother appear in my dreams. When they appear I stop and spend time with them, because I know the dream will end.

I don't know much about her these days...yet she still see's me as the same young college kid, and we have one mutual friend....so I get updated...yet apparently she still holds a grudge.

I wonder what it is about me, that makes these friends, feel so angry over the little stuff, when the big experiences and adventures were an amazing bonding agent.

So as I lose another...it's a lesson...maybe I'll pick a better one next time.

yet, the trust does not return so easy.

Yet, in my dreams everyone is at the party and happy to see me.

kreature

So I feel raw...

so open...it is too cold....
so exposed...people don't want to look
so eager...they run away


It pulses in me...the thought of belonging...to something.

I should be celebrating myself, but to do it alone seems silly.

You are celebrated, when people love you...just the way you are.

I'm not sure what they are seeing, but I wish I could see it...so celebrating me could come on cue.

There is a sense of rawness that can not be ignored nor numbed.

all I can do is sit with it.

kreature

February...already?

It was a crash course into February...

My cousin who recently got married came into town for a ski weekend. It had been a long time, since him & I hung-out. We have had family events...but not a chance to see each other. I got to know his wife...who is perfect for him. He is a strong business man, just like his "old man", yet he is young and finds time to really let loose, or at least surrounds himself with people who do. I enjoyed their visit; it forced me to show off the valley and I made it the most it could be.

As soon as, his van drove away, the valley greeted me with a sense of sarcasm, "now what?"

Oh yes, now what? Now it is February, the first two weeks will be denying that it matters, being crushed when it sucks and another week trying to recover from this dreadful holiday.

It occurs to me that the last four, were humorous and planned. We were deliberate, no matter what the outcome.

I want to plan something for me...but the thought of that brings me back to him.

I could go somewhere, Boulder, Denver, hot springs....but they remind me of us. Not what I am looking for....another thing that makes my heart heavy.

So now what?

I hide,
hope for a date,
I run away...

now what?

Words of hope from girlfriends

"Be gentle with yourself"
"This is the rapids of the river of your life"
"You're a hormone hostage...it's normal"
"Be proactive"
"Find time to be peaceful"
"It may not be an external change"
"It is a system of guidance and intuition"
"You're finally really feeling it."
"You're not crazy!"

My true girlfriends are the best....i love you!

Kreature

Accountability

I am so accountable all the time

everyone calls me on my shit....

yet very few accept there own role


I've been left behind, lied to and told off....

more times than I can count.

Yet I still am accountable for it all...

it still is me that has to take it all


I feel the anger in my body
I feel the sadness in my soul
I feel the pain rushing through me

but I still get up in the morning and take responsibility for all my words, actions, emotions and life and how that affects other people.

sorry for my last drunken post to the four people that read my blog....


it's all bottled up inside and the cap just popped

kreature

twisted

I did not want to face the world today.

I have spent the last few days hiding due to my black-eye

After three days I decided enough was enough and I would get out of the house.

I was out for a total of five hours...and it was was a shit-show

The local patrons gave be a bit of hope at first as they joked..."if there is a man in this valley that gave you that shiner...he will be in a world of hurt".

I considered, taking revenge on many of the men in the valley...but I gave no one a name and explained I was at fault...yet the excuse "I fell" only deepens there suspicions.

Then I meet a new girlfriend at the bar....she whines over my eye...as I am feeling guilty about karma....She says to me, ya'know, sometimes things just happen.

I don't know if I believe her, so many things bad things have been happening around me.

I'm twisted up inside and crumble to the ground when I am betrayed again.

I had a manic dream of blood, body fluids and chaos and as I tried to dial 911 my phone fell apart in my hands...What was I to do.

I feel this way out of control, unable to help anyone and purely helpless...for them and myself.

I'm not so sure it is going to get better....but hopefully as I make better choices...my karma will come along.

kreature

My black-eye for obama!

It's a metaphor...not a bar fight.

I can't help question my karma...

I look like a domestic abuse case...
yet i am only abusing myself...

Wellll, I fell into the pavement, by myself, over my own two feet.

I feel like this often...but it rarely manifests itself in such a visual cue.


I've been told lately by friends, that I am not quite right in the mind, I need to prioritize, I'm moody, i should see someone and the kicker...that i like to be upset.

I'm not sure, how to start anew..begin again..heal (my new theme)

to heal

as it heals...the colors will change...it may take some time
my past rips through me, the future feels heavy
even the now is detached from purpose

all i have is time and moments
smiles and tears
hopes and fears

I hope for a re-birth, a new cycle, a peace of mind

my list of priorities are:
health
new experiences
friends
empowering career...and
oh yeah, love.

I hope as I move into this new era,
my body will heal,
my heart will heal,
my mind will heal.

kreature

It is still about him

They say time heals all wounds....but this one just won't heal...

I feel like I keep opening it up, scratching it...making it bleed.

I can't figure out how to get it to heal...

I want to move on...

but I can't, won't, or

wish i could

Still look back and see the dinners, adventures and the love...

funny how time seems to change the reality of the past...I can barely remember the bad times.

I cry after every phone call, I wake up at night alone, and I am fully crazy, when I hear he has a girl.

And when he slips and tells me he loves me...I beg for our life back.

It is so raw...still.

Time...tick...tock...7 months later...tick...tock.

If I don't heal soon...it could turn into a scar.

kreature

So...In a manic sense of get me the hell away from everyone....

a friend gave me a simple offer...

sitting in a hot springs with a couple of cute boys.

At the time I wanted to resist, hide and run...

but once again I stood up brushed myself off and made a conscience decision to try again.

Not of course to try to impress anyone or even fit in....but just to handle new people and try to let my door open a little.

My girlfriend and I and her buds....enjoyed a old-school pub in Glenwood.

And we laughed and laughed at the two Cali boys...that had no idea they were really that funny.

I made no advances...no flirty looks...I just laughed....and realized how long it really had been since I laughed.

Then we poached a dirty little hippy hot springs....a half a block from the highway...I'm sure in the daytime it looks a bit dodgy...

However, last night it was the soak with a huge moon next to the river...that reminded me how small I really am in the universe.

Instead of trying to stick out, be a social butterfly...I just need to be me, which isn't always spectacular.

But I don't need to sell myself short...(such a contradiction)

My emotions have been out of hand...I worry cuz' I'm not so sure the birth control experiment is going very well....but crazy does run in my family...hopefully I can get a grip on it soon.

kreature

dreams...

Last night I dreamt about simpler times....

It put me back at church camp...with my two best friends...we were up to old tricks...

skipping religious meetings and going for drives and rolling joints...and hiding it from parents.

the rebel is still within me...but I miss my sidekicks...

It was simpler then...

I trusted anyone who liked me and I felt like I belonged.

I'm not sure where I fit in these days...

I keep hoping it gets better.

kreature

kick me again

wow....so yesterday...seemed....sunny


today the storm of mean dark awful clouds have ascended.....

dan is in a relationship....a new relationship...no warning....just a facebook post....

If I ever thought i was important to anyone

I don't find that to be true today

I got not only told off by an over zealous aussie yesterday...I also once again was played by another before midnight.....and then I woke up to him....being in a relationship....

really....my karma is that bad.....I'm pissed

thanks again cruel world....thank god I have a job

that's all I have


fuck me officially!

kreature

If I was a bear.....

The last few days I have spent hibernating...feeling a light cold coming on...I choose to disappear into my little cave, of my beautiful organic queen mattress, several cups of tea...and cable t.v.

As I disappear into this cave....everyone demands...my attention, my phone rings 3 times before 9 am.

I politely, tell them all...not today.

The day is spent napping, eating, and napping.

I realize that at one time...this is all ever did...i hid.

Yet now it is a comfort that I need to take for myself.

Sick or not....I should remember how simple my life can be when I am honest and open with the people that demand things of me a simple no....will always do...

I crawling out of my cave to start another day in this area of valleys and mountains...will I be climbing or descending today?

kreature

Another New Year

Every year...I try to convince myself that "this year will be better than the last"

I wonder why each year seems to continue to challenge...everything I try to be.

I can't keep up with anyone...trusting is harder than anything

People are disappointing....no matter how open I try to be

I know it stems from my past...yet every time I try to move on...it is sure to put me back in my place.

I may never find a place I truly belong....I lost that sense of belonging long ago...

Luckily, I'm stubborn as hell...they can keep kicking me down...again and again

but I will still brush myself off and try it again....

Happy fucking New Year...thank god the hoildays are over!