Another Trip in the Terryalls

"We must get beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey."

I'm looking forward to another challenging five days in the wilderness. My basic needs will be met and I will wish for the comforts of home.

This time I get to experience it with youth that may know the trip better than I do.

I will learn from them and continue on another journey.

See ya in five days......beetches!

love kreature

I am the responsible party

I have spent my life taking responsiblity for my decisions, my experiences and my faults...almost to a ridiculous measure.



I feel that I am constantly evaluating myself, sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I feel empowered.



I don't believe however that things "happen to me"



All things that do occur are learning experiences, but for me to believe that some thing is trying to send me a sign...that doesn't fly with me.



I don't have control over everything, but I do choose to learn.



If I believed that something else was interfering with my life...I would take it out.



Because that thing has not got me to where I am now, It has not got me to where I am going and It will not support me in the future.



Things happen for a reason....yet I am the driver and I don't need a co-pilot who barley fits into this modern girls life.

If I lived my life based on what "something" is trying to tell me...I would't need to take responsibility for me...I could blame it on the "something".

That's not me I make mistakes, I don't always make the right decisions, I deal with what I have been delt. I don't need something...to tell me anything.

I did realize I had such an audience lately. Thank-you for reading and for the concern.
This bumb in the road is nothing compared to the mountians I have conquered.

love kreature

where is the path

Just a few days ago I felt so sure of this path I am on...but the last few days has made me question once again...is this the path for me...it this what my spirit wants or have I made all these decsions based on impulse.

Feel a bit lost in this world I have created for myself, and with my recent bouts of bad Karma, I am questioning my purpose.

I am struggling with friendships, I sleep in my free time and now I am terrified to go out at night.

I want to be paitent with this process...

but I feel like I am losing sight at every turn...

Maybe a coffee with make me feel better...

One cup at a time one day at a time

love kreature

easy come, easy go

I feel like the last few days I have been challeged again...

Just as I started to open up and trust new people, stupid circumstances have occured.

I tried to go out to Vails free concert with my young guide friends...the night had a great start but as it continued and the alcohol blurred my vision. I couldn't help feel a bit alone.

My young friends were caught up in thier own agenda...trying to get into bars with fake ID's trying to get thier ID's back when they were taken by the bouncer. They also were rookies to the vail scene, so the thoughts of being selective didn't really apply to them.

Just when I wanted them to stick it out for me they went home and I was alone to take on the vail scene...by myself. (not so fun)

And riding the bus from vail home was a blurry mess...but when I got off the bus I had an unexpected someone holding me up as I walked home...yet as I reached closer to home I relize that my wallet had been taken or lost. It frightened me that I was easy prey...I am now responsible for my own protection. And it seems that I had been preyed on by this unexpected person. money comes and goes...but the wallet had $360 dollars in it. Two days later someone turned it in to the police station with everything in it but the cash.

It has put me back in check, should I be walking home from the bar alone...Next time anyone tries to even speak to me on the street...will I recoil...grab my purse...or cause more of a scence because of this betrayl...I feel less open then ever before.

So as money is easy come easy go...so is my trust.

One step forward two steps back.....

love kreature

a sense of family

I was so nervous when I started my new adventure as a Meet the Wilderness guide. I thought can I keep up, will I be able to fake being normal? (That is normal, not having CF) Will they see that I have more to offer than being an outdoor expert?

Well I couldn't fake normal...I huffed and puffed down the trail, I coughed and begged for a two minute break and I cried..several times...frusturated with my body and stamina and the feeling of failing to be normal. This is how it went on our hike days. I tried not to complain, but I did say FUCK! under my breath a few times.

But at the end of these days, the other guides supported me, assured me that they saw my courage and my struggle. They could recognize how hard I was working to be there and that my struggle showed my integrity.

They gave me the space to be me. A quailty you would expect from a family. A highly functional and positive family. I may not be the fastest, I may not be able to climb mountians with ease, but I know if I continue to be me...someone will be inspired by me, my life and my story.

Thank-you to my new MTW family for reminding me that I just need to be me and I don't need to compete to be "normal" with any one!

love kreature

A new journey

This passage always puts things in perspective for me;

So why? Why go through it? Why even be here? The second answer is easy. Beacause here is where the beauty is. Here is where the sunsets are. Here is where the campsites and campfires are, and the clear deep waters and the loons, and the pines and the islands. And yes the storms the big winds and the rapids.

Here is where the journey is.

But why go through it? Why do I go through it? I think because no one else can go through it for me. And because the modern city world system uses people to get work done. Important work supposedly. That's the whole idea. That's why we get paid.

But here...here I'm using work to get myself done. What better work is there than that?

Or maybe it's enough to say that I am here, as another voyager once put it "to iron out the wrinkles in my soul.

And maybe it is the only on the trail to nowhere-in-particular that you find the most important thing of all.

Yourself!

Douglas Wood

I'm going to go do some work on myself now....

I love you kreature

Summertime and the livin'easy

Hi Friends...I know I have been a bit absent these days...but a ton of things have happened in the last few months!
Here's the short version;
Dan moved back to Philly to continue his jorney to becoming an amazing chef...he loves his family & friends back home...and really wanted to be near them.
My health has been ifffy the last few months, so I choose to stay in the mountians and to take advantage of the fresh mountian air. I'm not out of the woods yet...but I have choosen to take it to the woods :)
I recently was hired at Meet the Wilderness, a great non-profit that takes urban chicago youth into the backcountry to camp, hike and climb. Most of these youth have never done anything close to camping and we get to introduce them to the great outdoors. It combines my love of at-risk-youth, teambuilding and camping....I am so excited!
Tomorrow, we go on our staff trip. I'm looking forward to getting out there and being away from all the things that have made my life a bit crazy!
This summer I hope to learn how to open up and ask for support. I'm a bit lost without Dan and now need to learn to reach out to my friends & family. I have never been that great at reaching out...but I can learn.
Most of my friends are all across the country...so I need to use this to communicate and reach out.
For those of you who have been so great and understanding always..thank-you. (you know who you are).
Change is good and growth isn't easy.
Please send me good energy and love
I love and miss you all!

being dramatic

I don't like reading my own blog when I am so dramtic
it makes me feel whinny and weak
so I think i need to choose my words a bit more carefully
and I need to write when I am in a bit more of an open
carefree mood.
so for all my blog readers (not that I have many at this point)
I will try to be a bit more inspiring as opposed to whining


love kreature

Control issues

So I woke up this morning with a sense of fear...

I have control of so little right now...

I have all these new things I need to put into my body...

heavy antibiotics...a new inhaler...allergy meds...these will all effect my state one way or another

For some this is routine...yet for me it feels like losing control

I'm fighting to stay on top of all of this...but the fear is winning right now...

Anixety...what a terrible state

I want to go back and change everything...I want him here near me...

I'm falling apart and trying to pick-up the pieces...but I'm spinning in circles.

I need to recover....but I have ran out of time.

Hopefully tomarrow will feel less overwhelming

love stinks kreature

getting back in to it...

Now that all the drama...planning and preparing is over.

I now need to get back to a routine of work and play.

I have been hiding in my room...feeling alone.

Alone is something that needs to not terrifiy me, but it does right now.

I felt if I really let myself be alone..it would be o.k.

It still makes me sad to wake up alone.

I'm trying to be strong and they say that only time will heal a broken heart.

I'm not sure when I will feel open and happy again.

But for now I will have to fake it for myself and for him.

Did I mention I miss him?

In Singles the movie they say two weeks for every year you were together?

Great eight weeks....crap!

Luckily I go to denver for a doc appointment and get to meet a friend for dinner.

Tomarrow I work!!! Yeah!

not much love...kreature

a few friends, a soft little lambee and a couple glasses of wine

When life gets hard...I believe that all of these things come in handy.

Adjusting to my new sense of independence...

I'm enjoying full control of me...

It feels a bit selfish...cause I miss him.

It's a bit of a slow ride but growth doesn't happen over night!

I'm still a bit gun shy...but that is to be expected

love kreature