Throwing myself into the void

Odd changes of thoughts, attitudes and perceptions have brought me to a place where I want to take a leap into all the possibilites that are within me.

After ten years of being controlled by hormones (the birth control variety)... I feel the need to see who I am without them...this is a giant leap...I've tried it before...but this seems a little risky at this time in my life. But I would really like to be able to read my natural state.

I also have thrown myself to the wolves...Yesterday I participated in a bachlor/bachlorette contest in my little valley. Several of the young singles in this valley compete to win top 5 to be "bided off for charity". However, names and pictures go in the Vail Daily, and the whole town gets to see it. In this valley 92% read the paper everyday. So I have taken another leap to "show myself off" as a single in the valley. I won't know until Nov. 12 if I make top 5...I don't know if top 5 is my goal...I think trying something fully unlike me...is more the point.

It's a rocky road here in the off season,

I will be spending my first halloween in the valley as a bliss junkie...

I hope to squeeze all the bliss I have into a few hours of fun

kreature

The leaves fall where they may...

I am moved into my new place with two complete strangers...one male, one female.

It feels full circle, I am living in the same apartment, I lived in when I left here four years ago.

It is an ok price...but a great location.

I'm starting to spend more time here..but lately I have been avoiding the transition and spending more time at Joes (my local bar).

I have tried to cultivate some new relationships..yet as soon as I feel like I am following through...I walk away.

My dreams recently, have been heart shattering... I dream of comfort, familiarity, and friends...and when I wake up I miss it all.

The mystic feel of fall has diminished...now we bundle up and wait for snow.

I do like the cold chill in the air...I feels like my heart...

kreature

Transition Reality.

I sit here my last day at starbucks this fall...I am noticing all the changes happening around me. I don't really feel like part of all these transitions, but they are happening anyway.

My room is empty, the walls are bare. I don't know what I am taking away from this particular space I was in.

I never felt at home, the space was sunny and warm...but I rarely felt those emotions while I was there. only 5 months of time has passed...and it felt like a tornado.

I think I am still spining, but this time I am doing it all myself. I'm not sure when or where it will stop.

I want to be excited about my new space....but only time will tell, if it is a good match... I am skeptical.

But there is no turning back, my things will be fully moved by tonight.

I'm not kicking and screaming, but I am kicking the rocks & dust beneath my feet on my way.

Here I go

kreature

another day another dollar...

I have been avoiding...everything.

yet, I am more than happy to be sitting at starbucks gettting paid to drink coffee..

these days are numbered!

I am moving to a new apartment...the same complex I lived in before I moved to Tahoe.

It seems full circle..yet I can't decide if it is a good thing or not.

the new deli job blows...but I am happy to have an off season job

this week has been long, I have tried to avoid my local bar...cuz' the patrons have been driving me crazy!

'Tis the season for crackheads out of work..older men with noting better to do than go to the bar and a ton of locals that are way too bored.' Really old already!

In this move, I will try to find some new hobbies, avoid the dirtbags and find somewhere cool to hang out.

We will see...

kreature

Freakin' people out!

So in the last week I have alienated..everyone...

I can tell cuz' people are trying to reach out to me.

Yet, I'm not really feeling open...

In fact, I may revert to my angry teenage angst and start listening to Tool, Pantera, Metallica and any other angry music...I may even add some dark eyed make-up. It could be an outlet for all the anger I have about my recent failures.

The hippie thing in the valley isn't working out so well...People seems to take advantage of those who are too nice..like me...

So I'm going to rough it up a bit.

It's funny a friend...my boss from starbucks..looked at me the other day and said...Your energy has really changed this week...Like you're happier...or something.

I can only imagine that I have been so miserable in my head...that I am projecting this sense of confidence and happiness...jesus!

I am still trying to find a place...trying to be satisfied with my new super lame deli job.

Fall is beautiful...I would love to go hiking...but being by myself only breeds more self-loathing.

Well, It's Friday..I am going to try to avoid the bar at all costs...yet I will have all afternoon to be tempted by it.

I know I should be thinking positive...doing positive and being positive...

but I don't feel like it....

I'm pissed...like in a mosh pit...who can I punch first...being a happy hippie is so passive/aggressive!

Anyway..people..I will be fine.

The light at the end of the tunnel has not shown itself yet and maybe in a month, when I am done moving in to my new place, have a little bit of cash...I will feel better.

But for now keep expectations low...I'm not making promises of the state of my mind..or these blogs....

Wow

kreature

a new day

So the good news is that I got paid today...at least that is a better start to the day.

Today should be better...the anger has subsideded a bit...

It felt like a trip yesterday....when your in the thick of it..it feels like it is never going to end...

Today it feels like I have "come down" from my emotional outburst.

I'm not so sure I am fully out of the weeds yet...

but I start my new job at the Smiling Moose and I look at another place this evening...

so these simple distractions should keep me on task today.

Thanks for reading...sorry it was so painfull yesterday...but sometimes I really feel like I need to vent my frusturations...I don't have a that many people who are willing to listen to my shit...when I am in the thick of it.

kreature