Words of hope from girlfriends

"Be gentle with yourself"
"This is the rapids of the river of your life"
"You're a hormone hostage...it's normal"
"Be proactive"
"Find time to be peaceful"
"It may not be an external change"
"It is a system of guidance and intuition"
"You're finally really feeling it."
"You're not crazy!"

My true girlfriends are the best....i love you!

Kreature

Accountability

I am so accountable all the time

everyone calls me on my shit....

yet very few accept there own role


I've been left behind, lied to and told off....

more times than I can count.

Yet I still am accountable for it all...

it still is me that has to take it all


I feel the anger in my body
I feel the sadness in my soul
I feel the pain rushing through me

but I still get up in the morning and take responsibility for all my words, actions, emotions and life and how that affects other people.

sorry for my last drunken post to the four people that read my blog....


it's all bottled up inside and the cap just popped

kreature

twisted

I did not want to face the world today.

I have spent the last few days hiding due to my black-eye

After three days I decided enough was enough and I would get out of the house.

I was out for a total of five hours...and it was was a shit-show

The local patrons gave be a bit of hope at first as they joked..."if there is a man in this valley that gave you that shiner...he will be in a world of hurt".

I considered, taking revenge on many of the men in the valley...but I gave no one a name and explained I was at fault...yet the excuse "I fell" only deepens there suspicions.

Then I meet a new girlfriend at the bar....she whines over my eye...as I am feeling guilty about karma....She says to me, ya'know, sometimes things just happen.

I don't know if I believe her, so many things bad things have been happening around me.

I'm twisted up inside and crumble to the ground when I am betrayed again.

I had a manic dream of blood, body fluids and chaos and as I tried to dial 911 my phone fell apart in my hands...What was I to do.

I feel this way out of control, unable to help anyone and purely helpless...for them and myself.

I'm not so sure it is going to get better....but hopefully as I make better choices...my karma will come along.

kreature

My black-eye for obama!

It's a metaphor...not a bar fight.

I can't help question my karma...

I look like a domestic abuse case...
yet i am only abusing myself...

Wellll, I fell into the pavement, by myself, over my own two feet.

I feel like this often...but it rarely manifests itself in such a visual cue.


I've been told lately by friends, that I am not quite right in the mind, I need to prioritize, I'm moody, i should see someone and the kicker...that i like to be upset.

I'm not sure, how to start anew..begin again..heal (my new theme)

to heal

as it heals...the colors will change...it may take some time
my past rips through me, the future feels heavy
even the now is detached from purpose

all i have is time and moments
smiles and tears
hopes and fears

I hope for a re-birth, a new cycle, a peace of mind

my list of priorities are:
health
new experiences
friends
empowering career...and
oh yeah, love.

I hope as I move into this new era,
my body will heal,
my heart will heal,
my mind will heal.

kreature

It is still about him

They say time heals all wounds....but this one just won't heal...

I feel like I keep opening it up, scratching it...making it bleed.

I can't figure out how to get it to heal...

I want to move on...

but I can't, won't, or

wish i could

Still look back and see the dinners, adventures and the love...

funny how time seems to change the reality of the past...I can barely remember the bad times.

I cry after every phone call, I wake up at night alone, and I am fully crazy, when I hear he has a girl.

And when he slips and tells me he loves me...I beg for our life back.

It is so raw...still.

Time...tick...tock...7 months later...tick...tock.

If I don't heal soon...it could turn into a scar.

kreature

So...In a manic sense of get me the hell away from everyone....

a friend gave me a simple offer...

sitting in a hot springs with a couple of cute boys.

At the time I wanted to resist, hide and run...

but once again I stood up brushed myself off and made a conscience decision to try again.

Not of course to try to impress anyone or even fit in....but just to handle new people and try to let my door open a little.

My girlfriend and I and her buds....enjoyed a old-school pub in Glenwood.

And we laughed and laughed at the two Cali boys...that had no idea they were really that funny.

I made no advances...no flirty looks...I just laughed....and realized how long it really had been since I laughed.

Then we poached a dirty little hippy hot springs....a half a block from the highway...I'm sure in the daytime it looks a bit dodgy...

However, last night it was the soak with a huge moon next to the river...that reminded me how small I really am in the universe.

Instead of trying to stick out, be a social butterfly...I just need to be me, which isn't always spectacular.

But I don't need to sell myself short...(such a contradiction)

My emotions have been out of hand...I worry cuz' I'm not so sure the birth control experiment is going very well....but crazy does run in my family...hopefully I can get a grip on it soon.

kreature

dreams...

Last night I dreamt about simpler times....

It put me back at church camp...with my two best friends...we were up to old tricks...

skipping religious meetings and going for drives and rolling joints...and hiding it from parents.

the rebel is still within me...but I miss my sidekicks...

It was simpler then...

I trusted anyone who liked me and I felt like I belonged.

I'm not sure where I fit in these days...

I keep hoping it gets better.

kreature

kick me again

wow....so yesterday...seemed....sunny


today the storm of mean dark awful clouds have ascended.....

dan is in a relationship....a new relationship...no warning....just a facebook post....

If I ever thought i was important to anyone

I don't find that to be true today

I got not only told off by an over zealous aussie yesterday...I also once again was played by another before midnight.....and then I woke up to him....being in a relationship....

really....my karma is that bad.....I'm pissed

thanks again cruel world....thank god I have a job

that's all I have


fuck me officially!

kreature

If I was a bear.....

The last few days I have spent hibernating...feeling a light cold coming on...I choose to disappear into my little cave, of my beautiful organic queen mattress, several cups of tea...and cable t.v.

As I disappear into this cave....everyone demands...my attention, my phone rings 3 times before 9 am.

I politely, tell them all...not today.

The day is spent napping, eating, and napping.

I realize that at one time...this is all ever did...i hid.

Yet now it is a comfort that I need to take for myself.

Sick or not....I should remember how simple my life can be when I am honest and open with the people that demand things of me a simple no....will always do...

I crawling out of my cave to start another day in this area of valleys and mountains...will I be climbing or descending today?

kreature

Another New Year

Every year...I try to convince myself that "this year will be better than the last"

I wonder why each year seems to continue to challenge...everything I try to be.

I can't keep up with anyone...trusting is harder than anything

People are disappointing....no matter how open I try to be

I know it stems from my past...yet every time I try to move on...it is sure to put me back in my place.

I may never find a place I truly belong....I lost that sense of belonging long ago...

Luckily, I'm stubborn as hell...they can keep kicking me down...again and again

but I will still brush myself off and try it again....

Happy fucking New Year...thank god the hoildays are over!