wow...what a week...

This week has been one of the craziest weeks yet;
Last week at this time, my roommate threatened to beat my ass, for asking her to close the patio door while she smoked. She screamed, "You wanna go kree!" Lets go!" I looked at her as if she was crazy and retreated to my local bar, for several hours so I could return home after she was asleep. The following day things were a bit tense...but she chose to write me a note that stated....It was my fault, and that I provoked her sense of violence. This has been the third times she has freaked out on me. The first was over a friend of mine wearing snowboard boots in the house, the second was over feeding the dog a peanut and the patio door was the third. After receiving her note...placing the blame on me...I had had enough! So I confronted her....what part of her threatening me was my fault...once again she lied and yelled and claimed that I was responsible for her actions. I continued to defend myself and tell her how uncalled for her actions were. As we were in a heated argument she screams.."This is domestic disturbance....I am going to call the cops!" Realizing that one she is full of shit and two that she is irrational...I go to my room to escape her B.S. I call a trusted friend and vent to her...within five minutes the crazy bitch is at my door screaming "quit talking about me you slut! I'm calling the cops!" Finally, I laugh and tell her to go ahead and call the cops....big threat! This week I have spent my time tiptoeing in and out of my room to avoid her. I have spoken to our third invisible roommate as we plan on finding a way to kick her out. Yet we both know that she cannot handle criticism, so we will need to plan accordingly and quickly.

I am not sure where all my good luck has gone to...every road feels like a prickly brick wall.
I continue to hope that things will improve...but it may be awhile.
However, my mood has changed a bit this week...my mood swings are mellow.
I feel a bit calmer.
Even though my friends that are close to me in vincinity are a bit dull, i have continued to trust my friends that have been with me the longest, even though they are pretty far away.
even Dan managed to give me a sense of friendship that I don't think I have appreciated before.
Spring is right around the corner...I can't believe the season is almost over.
Growth is in the air, however,

I need to be mindful that patience is essential for the recognition of my own progress which in it's season leads to the harvest of the self -Jera-

kreature

tossing & turning

I'm up too early this morning tossing & turning.

I am here.

Valentines day...a holiday meant to make single people feel desperate and to make couples accountable for love.

I'm hoping to avoid both of those feelings today....accountability and desperation.

I know I'm not the only single girl in the world, however it is my first v-day in four years, single.

I wish I could go back to any of those V-days.

Our trip to San fran, when we got wasted on haight street,

Our trip to visit friends that sent him on a late night adventure

A simple dinner at vin48

I know they say better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all

sometimes.... it seems like a cruel joke.

love is relative and to me it feels like a drug....I think about it everyday, I look for it in very dark places, I wish I always had it and when I get just a little bit of it, I act crazy.

I have always been starved of love...so I never really knew how it felt to be loved by choice.

This feels like the biggest lost....

worse than death, dishonesty or disinterest

I can't help but to miss him and his love today.

kreature

and in my dreams she appears

So in college, I had a best friend, who I truly enjoyed. She sought me out and changed my college experience.

However after college...my new life beckoned, and after making a few immature mistakes,

She wrote me off....and has yet to speak to me or contact me, other than a rude myspace message.

It is interesting, I dream of her several times in a year...

sometimes she appears and introduces me to her children, sometimes she appears in a party scene with her classic scowl.

At the moment I am losing another friend...

I guess do to this experience, I expect to lose friends.

People are not perfect, but the sense of trust is so hard to peg.

I'm losing my current friend over a few scratches on a t.v.

I think I lost my college friend over a heating bill...or something...it was years ago...I barley remember, what the issue was.

This petty sense of "I trusted you to be perfect and never fail me"

has never been part of me, people have failed me my whole life...yet I have always been forced to forgive them and move on.

which is why last night she appeared in my dream, with a scowl yet, I was please to have her sitting in a chair across from me.

It was small talk...."so how is your life?" I asked her with a smile.

She is like a ghost to me know...much like when my mother and grandmother appear in my dreams. When they appear I stop and spend time with them, because I know the dream will end.

I don't know much about her these days...yet she still see's me as the same young college kid, and we have one mutual friend....so I get updated...yet apparently she still holds a grudge.

I wonder what it is about me, that makes these friends, feel so angry over the little stuff, when the big experiences and adventures were an amazing bonding agent.

So as I lose another...it's a lesson...maybe I'll pick a better one next time.

yet, the trust does not return so easy.

Yet, in my dreams everyone is at the party and happy to see me.

kreature

So I feel raw...

so open...it is too cold....
so exposed...people don't want to look
so eager...they run away


It pulses in me...the thought of belonging...to something.

I should be celebrating myself, but to do it alone seems silly.

You are celebrated, when people love you...just the way you are.

I'm not sure what they are seeing, but I wish I could see it...so celebrating me could come on cue.

There is a sense of rawness that can not be ignored nor numbed.

all I can do is sit with it.

kreature

February...already?

It was a crash course into February...

My cousin who recently got married came into town for a ski weekend. It had been a long time, since him & I hung-out. We have had family events...but not a chance to see each other. I got to know his wife...who is perfect for him. He is a strong business man, just like his "old man", yet he is young and finds time to really let loose, or at least surrounds himself with people who do. I enjoyed their visit; it forced me to show off the valley and I made it the most it could be.

As soon as, his van drove away, the valley greeted me with a sense of sarcasm, "now what?"

Oh yes, now what? Now it is February, the first two weeks will be denying that it matters, being crushed when it sucks and another week trying to recover from this dreadful holiday.

It occurs to me that the last four, were humorous and planned. We were deliberate, no matter what the outcome.

I want to plan something for me...but the thought of that brings me back to him.

I could go somewhere, Boulder, Denver, hot springs....but they remind me of us. Not what I am looking for....another thing that makes my heart heavy.

So now what?

I hide,
hope for a date,
I run away...

now what?