Livin' the dream...

Enjoying my surroundings...

2011-10-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

A soft rain passes overhead...reminding me that the snow blows in the mountains...

I found a great prairie trail behind my hill...it passes a horse ranch with wranglers and vocal mares...

I love my surroundings it feels clean, calm and cozy...

however when loneliness takes over...there is little to do...

get out there make friends...i tell myself...but I have a few more things to do.

not ready to open myself up again...

I will take stock in the friends I have...

rune reading to come...

Golden

2011-10-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

I find myself in my backyard watching the purple sunset...

I rush home to watch the bright moon rise over Denver...

I awake and see the red sun rising...

Welcome home again...

Livin' the dream in Golden...

weekend transeant

2010-04-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Back in Colorado...after a short stint in MN...
the air is fresh, it is a easy Sunday!

I hit the desert on Tuesday, for now I just sit in the light of a roof window.

Another phase begins,

kreature

only a few days to go

2009-10-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I drew Ingus; beyond a new beginning, a time of completion to move on to the next step.

With only four days to return to MN, I help but take notice of where I am on this easy Sunday.

I'm calm...reflective and a little curious..about what the next several weeks will bring.

Living in a home with a lover during a Minnesota fall surrounded by friends and family.

It sounds too easy...too homey, but I bet it will feel sweet.

"Be centered and grounded, freeing yourself from unwanted influences."

kreature

couldn't figure out how to start again...

2009-09-27T10:35:00.001-07:00

So I drew a rune...

Nauthiz;

constraint
necessity
pain

these three words do fit...my current mood.

i can not stop counting the days...

in moments i am in pain, which is an unfortunate necessity...

i can't wait to return to a minnesota fall, to be with him.

i have been turned upside down by my ankles...in love...all the pieces of my life have spilled onto the ground, now i choose which ones to put back in my pockets.

it's a great sunday morning...beautiful fall day in Colorado.

i feel loved

kreature

Sunday...

2009-07-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've spent a few moments reflecting on the pace of my life these days.

It seems a bit routine these days, same people, same places, same drama.

I seem to float between both routine & disappearing into woods.

When I don't linger out of my home I feel very anti-social, yet when I take risks,
they seem to backfire.

I kinda bored of it all, right now.

Luckily, I will spend the next three weeks mostly in the woods,

So maybe I'll appreciate the routine when I return.

Eihwaz; nothing hectic, no acting needy or lusting after a desired outcome. Perseverance and foresight. Through inconvenience and discomfort, growth is promoted. This is a trying yet, meaningful time.

Hmmm,

Kreature

Processin'

2009-06-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

I spent the last few days with my new crew at MTW...
they have a ton of new ideas and fresh eyes for the organization.
I have found that the type of people I get to work with are creative and caring.

Change is always difficult...but I see it as a good transition.
The woods embraced me, the work was difficult, I huffed and puffed up the peak, but it felt good.
I feel in love with my new light weight backpacking hammock..greatest sleep...totally beats sleeping on the ground.
I love how I feel after a trip...such a sense of accomplishment!

Speaking of accomplishment...I realize that our media is totally absorbed my MJs death...and who knows how long the frenzy will last. However...my first cassette was given to me by my father and it was MJ BAD. It does feel like I am losing a part of my childhood...even though my childhood was rocky...It is funny that I remember MJ as a part of my life in 2nd grade. How does a man in only 50 years...affect our world in the way he has. RIP Micheal.

I'm hanging in the front country until July 7th....I'll try to write more soon.

Kreature

another sunday morning...

2009-06-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Morning!

I have spent the last few days with MTW co-workers. They are a cool bunch of people.
It was fun to reconnect with the ones of last summer, it was easy to chat with the ones I had worked with this spring, and the new faces have new experiences and ideas.

My social circles seem to have taken an odd turn.
The drama upon returning to the valley was a bit of a shock.
I'm trying to keep them from crossing, but this is a very small valley.

So I hope to hide out for a few days,
I leave on our staff wilderness trip on thursday.
I can't wait to get back in the woods.

Today I have an easy morning, an afternoon shift at Sbucks...
and tonight I can chill at home.

Fehu; Dispossessions ranging from trivial to severe. What do I need to learn from this? Recognize where my true nourishment lies.

kreature

Last day of May...

2009-05-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

As much as I was dreading a long week off...it was an easy week.

I took my bike out a few times, visited with friends and met a few new locals.

The weather was iffy dictating my activities.

I have a few days of work, a couple errands to run and weekend plans in Boulder and Vail.

My Sunday morning routine always seems to start off the week right.

An easy start, a little prairie home companion, a few practical moments and the rest comes easy.

Sowelu; rune of wholeness; I can of mine own self do nothing...

kreature

an oddity about men

2009-05-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about DJ, it hit me like a brick.

I was searching for him, in apt buildings full of beds and people.

I was stopping people and begging them...where is he where has he gone?

I think I knew he was far away, but I kept feeling that I was catching glimpses of him.

It was unsettling.

On an entirely different note,
I've decided men are like ice cream
some flavors are good, but I would not go back for seconds.
some are new & exciting, but they are usually on limited edition,
so you never know when you will get a chance to have it again.
many are great, so you can always fall back on those flavors in a pinch.
I keep looking for the one that will blow my mind!

It's been a quiet cloudy day...I have enjoyed it.

kreature

back to spring...

2009-05-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

My return to Colorado is colored in spring...
blooming purple & white flowers on the trees
greenery everywhere.

I don't even mind the rain... it is cooling and inviting.

I slept all day yesterday dreaming of island life as if I was rejecting my return.

But today, I feel ready to embrace spring and my simple life in CO.

The cool fresh air and the eagle river outside my window has helped me ease back into my life.

The great thing about adventures is returning with a bigger perspective, however the challenge is trying to keep that perspective as open and new as it is now, because soon the reality that surrounds me will take up my thoughts.

I'm glad to be home...

kreature

hola en Puerto Rico!!!

2009-05-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

Vacation all I ever wanted...Vacation it's time to get away!

Though mi padre can be a drag...

I took it upon myself last night to make my own fun...

and it was well worth it... a night in the ritz...a handome young new yorker...

mmm...this is a story for girlfriends!

super fun...today I spend the day near the beach

tomorrow I head to St. Thomas..

yeah....I love vacation!

kreature

Sorry..I didn't realize

2009-05-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

A month has past.....since my last post.

The ski season is over and on a rainy Sunday like today it feels like Spring.

I have been busy, last month I earned my Wilderness First Responder Certification; it will open opportunities for camps next summer.

This summer I am sticking with the Meet the Wilderness gig....

It has already provided two weeks of work; taking forth graders to Colorado National Monument.

It has been fun hiking, climbing, camping and chasing lizards in the desert.

I still find so much joy in work where I can travel and play.

When I return home, I appreciate my life.

I have been hanging with the locals @ my favorite spot.

It is good...now I am off to Puerto Rico to visit my padre and friends in St. Thomas.

New friends have helped me a ton in the last month and old friends have reappeared.

"make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold;
a circle is round it has no end, that is how long I will be your friend!"
just a simple song that the 4th graders taught me :)

kreature

Spring yet???

2009-04-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

So my week of self searching didn't lead to much.....

It was lonely and boring and no new hobbies entered into my week.

I feel like I need a big change.

A few days left of the season has left me feeling...displaced.

I don't want to serve another f'ing customer at Sbucks.

I don't want to spend another minute working...

I would like to know why I feel so unmotivated this week.

I'm not unhappy...I'm just a bit bored!!!

I do have big plans for the next month.

I will be camping this time next week with my spring gig...once my spring gig is up I get to travel to puerto rico to visit my padre..however...I think it would be more fun if I had a travel companion.

I have never found a true travel companion...my friend jess is pretty close...but that is beacuse she ownes a VWbus.

I'm tired of my whinning..aren't you?

Which is why even this blog gets a bit tired and a bit to much effort..

WAAAA....WAAAA...WAAAA

kreature

Ding Dong....

2009-03-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

Bitch is gone....holyshit....ding dong the wicked bitch is gone!!!

Yeah!!!

So my week of me has been great!

Yesterday I went to the hippy dip in Glenwood...bought myself a few presents and took myself out to lunch and when I returned she was gone:)!

I burnt some sage to clean out the air and my home is quiet!!!

I'm so thankful and grateful!!!

Hopefully the new young 25 year-old will behave...

kreature

SHE

2009-03-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

SHE was going to move out Friday night!

SHE was going to move out Saturday!

SHE had better move out Tomorrow!

GRRRRR.....

kreature

Insanity

2009-03-26T06:33:00.001-07:00

A friend defined insanity as...doing things the same way and expecting a different result.

It crawled under my skin and lived there for a few days.

I was offended and hurt that he would be so harsh...or accuse me of not doing this right.

The solution was to manifest all the things in my life to be right.

I didn't buy it, again it was back to me being accountable in every way for everything.

Like I'm not trying hard enough, thinking deliberately, or choosing the right actions.

When I really pondered it...I wanted to give myself another chance to try a different approach.

Then I pulled the rune Mannaz-The Self; The starting point is the self. The Self is required to balance the self. Nothing in excess. Be in the world but not of it. Only clarity, willingness to change, is effective now.

So I have decided to spend the next week being with myself...no bars...no going out...just being alone...I may hate it, I'm sure I will sleep a lot, but I need to be with me. Hopefully I will spend more time finding things to do...

My crazy roommate moves out tomorrow, I hope to reclaim my apartment...my new roommate is a young 25 year-old....but he should be ok.

Spring...I'm going to ease into it...

one week...next Thursday.

We will see how I do making a commitment to myself.

kreature

it is very late......don't bother.....

2009-03-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

Oh.... goodness...godess...

i drew partnership yesterday....I found her...

she now knows my stroy...

and reacts as if she knows not

what she thinks....

hardship...emathy...compassion...

a very sweet soul...

it calms me today...

i miss you!

kreature

Too much....

2009-03-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so exhausted....

I feel misplaced....

I blame myself....I blame the essence of me...

maybe I'm not motivated enough

maybe I'm not good enough

Maybe I'm not that cool

maybe I try too hard

maybe I'm unfocused

maybe this is when I start to go a little crazy

maybe I'm in the wrong place...again.

I just don't know anymore

maybe I need to be patient....

Gebo....the gift of partnership....hmmm ( feels a bit far-fetched today )

Another day

2009-03-13T16:09:00.001-07:00

So I know when the song..."here comes the sun" by the Beatles puts me in tears...it's not me!

Yesterday was a miserable day...cried for half the day and slept for the other half.

The simple stresses of a shitty roommate, friends who take more from me then they give and a heart that just won't stop hurting...brings me to yesterdays madness. These days still surprise me; just when I think I'm dealing...I shut down...

Today...I want to feel numb get some drinks and hang out with the bar fly's that have there own issues...

on these days I think of my mother...the alcoholic...she i'm sure had several days that felt like this...where she just didn't want to feel. She couldn't be with her kids, she rarely had the support of her family...and really she just wanted to get by.

My challenge is how do I cruise this line between alcohol addiction and just needing a bit of relief.

It's not fair that I choose to cruise the line...but I am too single and too lonely to hide in a room, where I feel locked away, when my roommate is here.

My patience is wearing thin....as always.

Kano; The more light you have, the better you can see what is trivial and outmoded in your own conditioning.

kreature

Ides of March

2009-03-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

Spring is coming on quickly and my luck doesn't seem to change much...

After getting with the landlord about my roommate he gave her thirty days to move...but then she rolled her vehicle and now has asked for a extension...who knows how long this could last.

She is back to her cheery self talking my ear off and testing my boundaries...and patience.

Really more lessons on patience...

I have been once again, trying to build relationships and as soon as I start to get them to open up, they surprise me with a new kind of crazy. Same crazy, different face.....really!?

However, I am spending more time riding and letting somethings bounce off a bit more.

But I am still looking for good friends and a focused purpose...maybe as I start to let go of the control. This will fall where they may....everything happens for a reason.

It is a full moon...it is beautiful and a great signal of a new cycle;

Ansuz...Signals

That what is happening is timely to your process. Consider the uses of adversity.

Interesting.....kreature

wow...what a week...

2009-02-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

This week has been one of the craziest weeks yet;
Last week at this time, my roommate threatened to beat my ass, for asking her to close the patio door while she smoked. She screamed, "You wanna go kree!" Lets go!" I looked at her as if she was crazy and retreated to my local bar, for several hours so I could return home after she was asleep. The following day things were a bit tense...but she chose to write me a note that stated....It was my fault, and that I provoked her sense of violence. This has been the third times she has freaked out on me. The first was over a friend of mine wearing snowboard boots in the house, the second was over feeding the dog a peanut and the patio door was the third. After receiving her note...placing the blame on me...I had had enough! So I confronted her....what part of her threatening me was my fault...once again she lied and yelled and claimed that I was responsible for her actions. I continued to defend myself and tell her how uncalled for her actions were. As we were in a heated argument she screams.."This is domestic disturbance....I am going to call the cops!" Realizing that one she is full of shit and two that she is irrational...I go to my room to escape her B.S. I call a trusted friend and vent to her...within five minutes the crazy bitch is at my door screaming "quit talking about me you slut! I'm calling the cops!" Finally, I laugh and tell her to go ahead and call the cops....big threat! This week I have spent my time tiptoeing in and out of my room to avoid her. I have spoken to our third invisible roommate as we plan on finding a way to kick her out. Yet we both know that she cannot handle criticism, so we will need to plan accordingly and quickly.

I am not sure where all my good luck has gone to...every road feels like a prickly brick wall.
I continue to hope that things will improve...but it may be awhile.
However, my mood has changed a bit this week...my mood swings are mellow.
I feel a bit calmer.
Even though my friends that are close to me in vincinity are a bit dull, i have continued to trust my friends that have been with me the longest, even though they are pretty far away.
even Dan managed to give me a sense of friendship that I don't think I have appreciated before.
Spring is right around the corner...I can't believe the season is almost over.
Growth is in the air, however,

I need to be mindful that patience is essential for the recognition of my own progress which in it's season leads to the harvest of the self -Jera-

kreature

tossing & turning

2009-02-14T05:37:00.000-08:00

I'm up too early this morning tossing & turning.

I am here.

Valentines day...a holiday meant to make single people feel desperate and to make couples accountable for love.

I'm hoping to avoid both of those feelings today....accountability and desperation.

I know I'm not the only single girl in the world, however it is my first v-day in four years, single.

I wish I could go back to any of those V-days.

Our trip to San fran, when we got wasted on haight street,

Our trip to visit friends that sent him on a late night adventure

A simple dinner at vin48

I know they say better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all

sometimes.... it seems like a cruel joke.

love is relative and to me it feels like a drug....I think about it everyday, I look for it in very dark places, I wish I always had it and when I get just a little bit of it, I act crazy.

I have always been starved of love...so I never really knew how it felt to be loved by choice.

This feels like the biggest lost....

worse than death, dishonesty or disinterest

I can't help but to miss him and his love today.

kreature

and in my dreams she appears

2009-02-12T06:22:00.000-08:00

So in college, I had a best friend, who I truly enjoyed. She sought me out and changed my college experience.

However after college...my new life beckoned, and after making a few immature mistakes,

She wrote me off....and has yet to speak to me or contact me, other than a rude myspace message.

It is interesting, I dream of her several times in a year...

sometimes she appears and introduces me to her children, sometimes she appears in a party scene with her classic scowl.

At the moment I am losing another friend...

I guess do to this experience, I expect to lose friends.

People are not perfect, but the sense of trust is so hard to peg.

I'm losing my current friend over a few scratches on a t.v.

I think I lost my college friend over a heating bill...or something...it was years ago...I barley remember, what the issue was.

This petty sense of "I trusted you to be perfect and never fail me"

has never been part of me, people have failed me my whole life...yet I have always been forced to forgive them and move on.

which is why last night she appeared in my dream, with a scowl yet, I was please to have her sitting in a chair across from me.

It was small talk...."so how is your life?" I asked her with a smile.

She is like a ghost to me know...much like when my mother and grandmother appear in my dreams. When they appear I stop and spend time with them, because I know the dream will end.

I don't know much about her these days...yet she still see's me as the same young college kid, and we have one mutual friend....so I get updated...yet apparently she still holds a grudge.

I wonder what it is about me, that makes these friends, feel so angry over the little stuff, when the big experiences and adventures were an amazing bonding agent.

So as I lose another...it's a lesson...maybe I'll pick a better one next time.

yet, the trust does not return so easy.

Yet, in my dreams everyone is at the party and happy to see me.

kreature

2009-02-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

So I feel raw...

so open...it is too cold....
so exposed...people don't want to look
so eager...they run away

It pulses in me...the thought of belonging...to something.

I should be celebrating myself, but to do it alone seems silly.

You are celebrated, when people love you...just the way you are.

I'm not sure what they are seeing, but I wish I could see it...so celebrating me could come on cue.

There is a sense of rawness that can not be ignored nor numbed.

all I can do is sit with it.

kreature

February...already?

2009-02-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

It was a crash course into February...

My cousin who recently got married came into town for a ski weekend. It had been a long time, since him & I hung-out. We have had family events...but not a chance to see each other. I got to know his wife...who is perfect for him. He is a strong business man, just like his "old man", yet he is young and finds time to really let loose, or at least surrounds himself with people who do. I enjoyed their visit; it forced me to show off the valley and I made it the most it could be.

As soon as, his van drove away, the valley greeted me with a sense of sarcasm, "now what?"

Oh yes, now what? Now it is February, the first two weeks will be denying that it matters, being crushed when it sucks and another week trying to recover from this dreadful holiday.

It occurs to me that the last four, were humorous and planned. We were deliberate, no matter what the outcome.

I want to plan something for me...but the thought of that brings me back to him.

I could go somewhere, Boulder, Denver, hot springs....but they remind me of us. Not what I am looking for....another thing that makes my heart heavy.

So now what?

I hide,
hope for a date,
I run away...

now what?

Words of hope from girlfriends

2009-01-25T06:39:00.000-08:00

"Be gentle with yourself"
"This is the rapids of the river of your life"
"You're a hormone hostage...it's normal"
"Be proactive"
"Find time to be peaceful"
"It may not be an external change"
"It is a system of guidance and intuition"
"You're finally really feeling it."
"You're not crazy!"

My true girlfriends are the best....i love you!

Kreature

Accountability

2009-01-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

I am so accountable all the time

everyone calls me on my shit....

yet very few accept there own role

I've been left behind, lied to and told off....

more times than I can count.

Yet I still am accountable for it all...

it still is me that has to take it all

I feel the anger in my body
I feel the sadness in my soul
I feel the pain rushing through me

but I still get up in the morning and take responsibility for all my words, actions, emotions and life and how that affects other people.

sorry for my last drunken post to the four people that read my blog....

it's all bottled up inside and the cap just popped

kreature

twisted

2009-01-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

I did not want to face the world today.

I have spent the last few days hiding due to my black-eye

After three days I decided enough was enough and I would get out of the house.

I was out for a total of five hours...and it was was a shit-show

The local patrons gave be a bit of hope at first as they joked..."if there is a man in this valley that gave you that shiner...he will be in a world of hurt".

I considered, taking revenge on many of the men in the valley...but I gave no one a name and explained I was at fault...yet the excuse "I fell" only deepens there suspicions.

Then I meet a new girlfriend at the bar....she whines over my eye...as I am feeling guilty about karma....She says to me, ya'know, sometimes things just happen.

I don't know if I believe her, so many things bad things have been happening around me.

I'm twisted up inside and crumble to the ground when I am betrayed again.

I had a manic dream of blood, body fluids and chaos and as I tried to dial 911 my phone fell apart in my hands...What was I to do.

I feel this way out of control, unable to help anyone and purely helpless...for them and myself.

I'm not so sure it is going to get better....but hopefully as I make better choices...my karma will come along.

kreature

My black-eye for obama!

2009-01-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's a metaphor...not a bar fight.

I can't help question my karma...

I look like a domestic abuse case...
yet i am only abusing myself...

Wellll, I fell into the pavement, by myself, over my own two feet.

I feel like this often...but it rarely manifests itself in such a visual cue.

I've been told lately by friends, that I am not quite right in the mind, I need to prioritize, I'm moody, i should see someone and the kicker...that i like to be upset.

I'm not sure, how to start anew..begin again..heal (my new theme)

to heal

as it heals...the colors will change...it may take some time
my past rips through me, the future feels heavy
even the now is detached from purpose

all i have is time and moments
smiles and tears
hopes and fears

I hope for a re-birth, a new cycle, a peace of mind

my list of priorities are:
health
new experiences
friends
empowering career...and
oh yeah, love.

I hope as I move into this new era,
my body will heal,
my heart will heal,
my mind will heal.

kreature

It is still about him

2009-01-14T16:02:00.000-08:00

They say time heals all wounds....but this one just won't heal...

I feel like I keep opening it up, scratching it...making it bleed.

I can't figure out how to get it to heal...

I want to move on...

but I can't, won't, or

wish i could

Still look back and see the dinners, adventures and the love...

funny how time seems to change the reality of the past...I can barely remember the bad times.

I cry after every phone call, I wake up at night alone, and I am fully crazy, when I hear he has a girl.

And when he slips and tells me he loves me...I beg for our life back.

It is so raw...still.

Time...tick...tock...7 months later...tick...tock.

If I don't heal soon...it could turn into a scar.

kreature

2009-01-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

So...In a manic sense of get me the hell away from everyone....

a friend gave me a simple offer...

sitting in a hot springs with a couple of cute boys.

At the time I wanted to resist, hide and run...

but once again I stood up brushed myself off and made a conscience decision to try again.

Not of course to try to impress anyone or even fit in....but just to handle new people and try to let my door open a little.

My girlfriend and I and her buds....enjoyed a old-school pub in Glenwood.

And we laughed and laughed at the two Cali boys...that had no idea they were really that funny.

I made no advances...no flirty looks...I just laughed....and realized how long it really had been since I laughed.

Then we poached a dirty little hippy hot springs....a half a block from the highway...I'm sure in the daytime it looks a bit dodgy...

However, last night it was the soak with a huge moon next to the river...that reminded me how small I really am in the universe.

Instead of trying to stick out, be a social butterfly...I just need to be me, which isn't always spectacular.

But I don't need to sell myself short...(such a contradiction)

My emotions have been out of hand...I worry cuz' I'm not so sure the birth control experiment is going very well....but crazy does run in my family...hopefully I can get a grip on it soon.

kreature

dreams...

2009-01-10T06:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt about simpler times....

It put me back at church camp...with my two best friends...we were up to old tricks...

skipping religious meetings and going for drives and rolling joints...and hiding it from parents.

the rebel is still within me...but I miss my sidekicks...

It was simpler then...

I trusted anyone who liked me and I felt like I belonged.

I'm not sure where I fit in these days...

I keep hoping it gets better.

kreature

kick me again

2009-01-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

wow....so yesterday...seemed....sunny

today the storm of mean dark awful clouds have ascended.....

dan is in a relationship....a new relationship...no warning....just a facebook post....

If I ever thought i was important to anyone

I don't find that to be true today

I got not only told off by an over zealous aussie yesterday...I also once again was played by another before midnight.....and then I woke up to him....being in a relationship....

really....my karma is that bad.....I'm pissed

thanks again cruel world....thank god I have a job

that's all I have

fuck me officially!

kreature

If I was a bear.....

2009-01-07T06:48:00.000-08:00

The last few days I have spent hibernating...feeling a light cold coming on...I choose to disappear into my little cave, of my beautiful organic queen mattress, several cups of tea...and cable t.v.

As I disappear into this cave....everyone demands...my attention, my phone rings 3 times before 9 am.

I politely, tell them all...not today.

The day is spent napping, eating, and napping.

I realize that at one time...this is all ever did...i hid.

Yet now it is a comfort that I need to take for myself.

Sick or not....I should remember how simple my life can be when I am honest and open with the people that demand things of me a simple no....will always do...

I crawling out of my cave to start another day in this area of valleys and mountains...will I be climbing or descending today?

kreature

Another New Year

2009-01-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

Every year...I try to convince myself that "this year will be better than the last"

I wonder why each year seems to continue to challenge...everything I try to be.

I can't keep up with anyone...trusting is harder than anything

People are disappointing....no matter how open I try to be

I know it stems from my past...yet every time I try to move on...it is sure to put me back in my place.

I may never find a place I truly belong....I lost that sense of belonging long ago...

Luckily, I'm stubborn as hell...they can keep kicking me down...again and again

but I will still brush myself off and try it again....

Happy fucking New Year...thank god the hoildays are over!

there is no place like home....

2008-12-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

i muttered as the plane landed in Minnesota...

Home...old boyfriends, great friends and such a sense of familiarity.

The chill here is hard to forget, yet it caught me off guard this time.

I love seeing my friends here...they know me...for good or bad.

They still love me...every time I am here!

The accents make me smile and Minnesota nice...is so cute.

I get to see family tonight...that's always interesting ;0

love it!
kreature

a quick one

2008-12-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

A quick drive to denver...gave me the answers i was looking for...I'm healthy and ready for the winter season. It is such a relief...watch out snow!

Even in such blessed moments... i miss people...

love you guys!

kreature

I'm Thankful

2008-11-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for my friends, they provide such insight. They reminded me who I am and who I can become.

I'm thankful for the new friends I have met, they continue to reach out to me even when I take a step back.

I'm thankful for a sense of purpose as I start my first day of snowboard school. I am thankful that I can start a new routine and a new sense of valuing me.

I'm thankful for a fellow blogger who posted this; Money is a symbol that represents goods and services--it has no inherent value, whereas you inhabit in your being all the value that there is in the universe.

Happy thanksgiving...may we all open ourselves to new friends and experiences and cherish the memories of the past.

Off-season is over!!!

2008-11-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful that I have made it through another trying off-season...this one had to be one of the worst.

There were so many moody peaks and descents.

I am really glad...I made it through.

Now I need to be up at dawn throwing on my gear and hitting the snowy slope...everyday!

Drinking everyday(or every other day) will be something left behind...i hope.

However, I have made great friends with the bartenders...so I still may show at happy hour..now and again.

It has been a month since I have dropped birth control.....It is a relief...I have been less moody this month than in YEARS!!!

I feel confident that I am on the right path, I think it is funny that snow brings me back to what I know I am.

That's right bring on the snow!

I love this

2008-11-14T10:00:00.001-08:00

Fear to Blame

Blame to Anger

Anger to Hatred

Hatred to suffering

some wisdom from YODA.....

Cant you see that these people are truly afraid ! .......and its understandable... they grew up and lived in an Era of War. They have been taught to fear and learned to defend.

We are fortunate to be living in a time on the Earth when actually ...there is less War then there has ever been on the plant. We have transcended Many of the obstacle illusions of our parents time.

We need to have overstanding and patience and comfort these people who suffer from old world thinking. To come to them with Anger and violence just serves to justify their FEAR.

In turn "They" TERRORIZE us with Fear propaganda and polarizing fundamental ideology that divides and feeds the cycle of the FAITHLESS

its hard to love the haters !

but who better than us ?

We believe in you

Boy crazy.....

2008-11-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it is happening...but I can't get past this feeling of being boy crazy...I want the attention...I want a connection.

So tonight is the auctioning off of the top five bachelorettes...I am not one of them.

I'm not sad...yet it still feels like a failure...

my life has not changed at all...maybe that is the problem.

My habits are starting to reappear...but more upsetting are the habits that have not become habits....but are slowly starting to become regular...

My insecurities are only adding to the issue.

I have to say though I have had more good days this month than bad....but I'm not so sure I'm learning from these experiences...it's just one day at a time and I am not truly making positive decisions or choices...I'm choosing purely on impulse, at the moment.

I used to be very analytical...now i'm impulsive...purely...

what an odd journey...the grass is always greener

kreature

Throwing myself into the void

2008-10-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

Odd changes of thoughts, attitudes and perceptions have brought me to a place where I want to take a leap into all the possibilites that are within me.

After ten years of being controlled by hormones (the birth control variety)... I feel the need to see who I am without them...this is a giant leap...I've tried it before...but this seems a little risky at this time in my life. But I would really like to be able to read my natural state.

I also have thrown myself to the wolves...Yesterday I participated in a bachlor/bachlorette contest in my little valley. Several of the young singles in this valley compete to win top 5 to be "bided off for charity". However, names and pictures go in the Vail Daily, and the whole town gets to see it. In this valley 92% read the paper everyday. So I have taken another leap to "show myself off" as a single in the valley. I won't know until Nov. 12 if I make top 5...I don't know if top 5 is my goal...I think trying something fully unlike me...is more the point.

It's a rocky road here in the off season,

I will be spending my first halloween in the valley as a bliss junkie...

I hope to squeeze all the bliss I have into a few hours of fun

kreature

The leaves fall where they may...

2008-10-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

I am moved into my new place with two complete strangers...one male, one female.

It feels full circle, I am living in the same apartment, I lived in when I left here four years ago.

It is an ok price...but a great location.

I'm starting to spend more time here..but lately I have been avoiding the transition and spending more time at Joes (my local bar).

I have tried to cultivate some new relationships..yet as soon as I feel like I am following through...I walk away.

My dreams recently, have been heart shattering... I dream of comfort, familiarity, and friends...and when I wake up I miss it all.

The mystic feel of fall has diminished...now we bundle up and wait for snow.

I do like the cold chill in the air...I feels like my heart...

kreature

Transition Reality.

2008-10-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

I sit here my last day at starbucks this fall...I am noticing all the changes happening around me. I don't really feel like part of all these transitions, but they are happening anyway.

My room is empty, the walls are bare. I don't know what I am taking away from this particular space I was in.

I never felt at home, the space was sunny and warm...but I rarely felt those emotions while I was there. only 5 months of time has passed...and it felt like a tornado.

I think I am still spining, but this time I am doing it all myself. I'm not sure when or where it will stop.

I want to be excited about my new space....but only time will tell, if it is a good match... I am skeptical.

But there is no turning back, my things will be fully moved by tonight.

I'm not kicking and screaming, but I am kicking the rocks & dust beneath my feet on my way.

Here I go

kreature

another day another dollar...

2008-10-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have been avoiding...everything.

yet, I am more than happy to be sitting at starbucks gettting paid to drink coffee..

these days are numbered!

I am moving to a new apartment...the same complex I lived in before I moved to Tahoe.

It seems full circle..yet I can't decide if it is a good thing or not.

the new deli job blows...but I am happy to have an off season job

this week has been long, I have tried to avoid my local bar...cuz' the patrons have been driving me crazy!

'Tis the season for crackheads out of work..older men with noting better to do than go to the bar and a ton of locals that are way too bored.' Really old already!

In this move, I will try to find some new hobbies, avoid the dirtbags and find somewhere cool to hang out.

We will see...

kreature

Freakin' people out!

2008-10-03T08:09:00.001-07:00

So in the last week I have alienated..everyone...

I can tell cuz' people are trying to reach out to me.

Yet, I'm not really feeling open...

In fact, I may revert to my angry teenage angst and start listening to Tool, Pantera, Metallica and any other angry music...I may even add some dark eyed make-up. It could be an outlet for all the anger I have about my recent failures.

The hippie thing in the valley isn't working out so well...People seems to take advantage of those who are too nice..like me...

So I'm going to rough it up a bit.

It's funny a friend...my boss from starbucks..looked at me the other day and said...Your energy has really changed this week...Like you're happier...or something.

I can only imagine that I have been so miserable in my head...that I am projecting this sense of confidence and happiness...jesus!

I am still trying to find a place...trying to be satisfied with my new super lame deli job.

Fall is beautiful...I would love to go hiking...but being by myself only breeds more self-loathing.

Well, It's Friday..I am going to try to avoid the bar at all costs...yet I will have all afternoon to be tempted by it.

I know I should be thinking positive...doing positive and being positive...

but I don't feel like it....

I'm pissed...like in a mosh pit...who can I punch first...being a happy hippie is so passive/aggressive!

Anyway..people..I will be fine.

The light at the end of the tunnel has not shown itself yet and maybe in a month, when I am done moving in to my new place, have a little bit of cash...I will feel better.

But for now keep expectations low...I'm not making promises of the state of my mind..or these blogs....

Wow

kreature

a new day

2008-10-01T07:14:00.001-07:00

So the good news is that I got paid today...at least that is a better start to the day.

Today should be better...the anger has subsideded a bit...

It felt like a trip yesterday....when your in the thick of it..it feels like it is never going to end...

Today it feels like I have "come down" from my emotional outburst.

I'm not so sure I am fully out of the weeds yet...

but I start my new job at the Smiling Moose and I look at another place this evening...

so these simple distractions should keep me on task today.

Thanks for reading...sorry it was so painfull yesterday...but sometimes I really feel like I need to vent my frusturations...I don't have a that many people who are willing to listen to my shit...when I am in the thick of it.

kreature

not a happy blog....

2008-09-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

Really worst day ever!!!!

I woke up early with such good intentions...I can't even understand how things turned sour so fast.

It started with not getting a paycheck and it turned into so much more.

So the last week has been a week of work..drunks and more work!

What is it about me...that people relize really quickly how easy I am to manipulate.

Why do I have a tendency to take care of those who can't take care of themselves.

I'm pissed...I deserve so much more....

I'm tired of the smokers, drinker and pill-poppers.

I choose to pull this bullshit florence nightengale role..that people just abuse.

Yes...I am lonely...yes I wish I had someone that I could confide in...But instead...Everyone confides in me and no one takes the time to listen.....It is always about them....

Getting older sucks....I'm not as optomistic as I once was...

I don't believe for a minute...love conquers all...

I don't believe that people are willing to compromise anything for me!

I'm not worth the change and they could care less!

I have cried all day for the confidence I am losing because of the people I have trusted most...

Now I really trust no one...have no one to lift my spirits...

they are all too busy focusing on themselves

Yes...I am angry...and hurt and I'm not really sure why I need to learn this fucking lesson again!

Why do they not recognize...how much I put out there..How hard I am trying...

Really I have had enough...I want to disappear for awhile...So maybe someone will wish I was around!

Fuck off world...Karma...what have you....

I am done!

kreature

Still trying to get it right

2008-09-27T07:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a good week...

Lots of work..I'm ending my Meet the Wilderness gig on Oct. 1st

Then starting my new Smiling Moose deli job on Oct. 1st

I love fall...but I am always afraid it is going to be over too soon.

I don't have much to say today

But I am wondering...why...

Why...

I can't figure it out today....

kreature

Really..hey kid!

2008-09-20T08:08:00.001-07:00

Last night I spent some time at 4 eagle ranch, providing the authentic colorado experience. It left me feeling happy and glad to be in Colorado.

In high sprirts I decided to go to Joes for a beer. I ran into a few friends...yet the mexicans, drunk men and wanna be's were in full stalker mode. I had one yell hey kid to me across the bar. I thought "is he serious!" I let him know he was not so charming. And there was the toothless meixcan, who had to let me know that he was single and both my friends had girlfriends..so I was barking up the wronge tree and then he took it to an inapproriate level, but talking about sex and how my tattoo related to it. Really? I need mexican repellent...it is so old. Before the night was over...i was bullied into taking an older mans card and told to report to him about a date within three days. He was so drunk...I don't think he will even remember me..or so I hope. There was another incident, where a young buck...walked by me and ran his finger down my back...without any reason.

I can't figure it out. I have dressed to kill many nights and have been ignored. Last night I was wearing the oldest sweater I own, my hair was up server style and I (according to my standards) looked like crap.

What has happened to buying a girl a drink...having a conversation you can remember, and politely asking to see her again. Oh the bar scence is soo lame!
I'm going to spend the day looking for a place, kissing up to the SOS org. and hopefully go to dinner later. We will see....was it a full moon last night? It sure felt like it!

Kreature

It is never what it seems

2008-09-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

It seems the moment I think things are moving in the right direction...something stops the progress. This week it is a waiting game for my new place....the new place is currenlty on hold..because they are choosing to continue to show the place to other people.

My new vehicle is starting to be a pain...it looks like I may need a new transmission (the one thing I really hate replacing cuz' it is so fucking expensive!)

And it looks as if I will be jobless from Oct.12-Nov.12....I am trying to come up with a plan...but very little is presenting itself at the moment. I have commited to 3 hours on mondays at vail rec....but that is 12 hours for the month...sometimes this valley makes me crazy.

I always wonder if this was the right move...but I'm sure it will all work itself out.

Here is hoping for the best.....

Kreature

Sunny

2008-09-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Good morning! Another morning spent at Star$. Today my mood is light cuz' there are no customers and we are sitting around drinking coffee and listening to music. It's an easy way to start the day.

Yesterday I started my afterschool aide job. They are all tiny 5-8 year-olds. A small group with lots of freeplay and about 30min of homework time...It is too easy!

I think I found my new place. It's an apt across the steet from my current place. I have a small bedroom, my own half bath and a porch. I think I'm gettting a good deal for 275 dollars less than what I pay now. It will mean another cycle of simplifing my life...but that is always in order!

I will be living with two low-key women who both have boyfriends, so it should be less stress and easy livin'....I'm glad.

I'm still looking for a job or plan for mid-october to mid-november...hopefully I can come up with something.

It's all gravvyy

Kreature

simple sunday

2008-09-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

I spent the day at star$...making coffee for the picky, cheap and rude

But spent most the shift on facebook and Utube...it was chill.

I called a few places, not quite the fit yet...but oh well.

I can't decided if I want to go out this evening or stay in.

$$ is tight these days...i should stay in!

Simple sunday..count my blessings.

I compromised and spent dinner with my roomates, we had a great fall dinner and a couple bottles of wine.

Kreature

a little less complicated

2008-09-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend I camped in the rain and hail with 30 tweens...It was a odd experience waking up to snow on the mountains ... and a bunch of cold, wet tweens.

When I returned home, I enjoyed a hot shower, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and a four hour nap.

I would like to simpilfy my life, a bit less lofty ideas..a bit more proof of my accomplishments.

I am currently looking for a new place to live...the search has been on now for a few weeks...I'm hoping to find a place with people that will suit my needs. It hasn't been easy, but paitence is a virtue.

I start my new job as an afterschool aide, on Monday. I'm looking forward to playing with kids again.

Today I worked at star$...it was uneventful.

Tonight is another night I need to forgive myself for being a hermit...I went out to dinner with a few friends last night.

the fall blahs are coming..i'm trying to fight them...but as it gets colder, i get bluer...

love kreature

i don't want to feel like this

2008-09-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not commuincating well...

I don't feel like explaining myself or connecting with anyone.

I feel...alone...lost...unpurposeful..again.

I'm pretty afraid to speak...anything

feel anything....be anything....

the commitment to myself is bleak.

I know it is the journey....I may be tired....

but I want to find the purpose

prioritize...my life

remember all that I am...

even though I really want to be someone else

I don't want to deal with the old habits.....

things are very temporary!

What is next....why can't I be happy with the NOW~!

goodness it may be a long week...

Love kreature

Happy Birthday to ME!

2008-09-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE!

This year has been a crazy one! I expected nothing less.

Hopefully I can learn, grow and create another eye-opening year!

But for now I'm going to dance and laugh and play at Harvest Fest this weekend...

The road trip starts today!

Peace, love and birthdays (my favorite!)

kreature

Wow...starbucks customers...WOW

2008-08-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

So as I continue my selfless act of serving coffee to evey dick, jane and asshole, I find republicans more vocal than ever. Like today...Hello over the hill couple from St. Paul? Can I please get you your triple, nonfat, 2 splenda, half soy and nonfat, 2 pump sugar free, extra hot Latte'! Idle chat; your from minneapolis? Me too...will you be there for the St.Paul DNC? Their response..no we are going to stay as far away from it as possible...we don't want to catch anything from THOSE people! HAHAHAHA.... Me; wide-eyed biting my tounge until it was about to bleed.... In my head i'm screaming

ARE YOU AFRAID OF CATCHING AN OPEN MIND!!!!

Oh goodness...for the sake of all insanity....Can Obama please win this election. For nothing more that watching republicans mouths drop! PLEASE

I won't spend a ton of time here being political...but really some people are unbelieveable...Seriously!

kreature

Ode to Chicago and the Mercy boys

2008-08-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

I just recently when on a wilderness trip with 7 amazing black men and one cutie wilderness wanna be. When meeting the boys...I wasn't so sure that 1) I would be able to relate 2) if they would really get along with me very well. These boy are so inspiring...I feel like I need to tell their story and how they affected me!

These young men join the Chicago Mercy home, when they realize by their own free will that the situation they are in is not going to set them up for success. They have to approach Mercy home...with an intent for change. They go through an application and interview process to receive this chance to change their current situation.

These men come from from it all abusive parents, gang life and a ton of other unfortunate circumstances. Everyone expects them to give up or give in and "roll with the punches".
These youth know that they can change their own fate. You would expect these youth to be withdrawn, fearful and lost. These boys did not fit that description.

They joked and laughed like no other crew I had ever met. They hiked up the mountains in the rain with asthma, sore knee's and heavy chests due to the altitude. But when it got tough they inspired each other to continue on. If they were frustrated they looked for a solution, brought to the group and hoped that the group would make the right decisions. Even though they may have butted heads a few times, they solved their issues with compassion and honesty.

And me...They took me in like their white/black sister that I never knew I could be. We slept under the same tent...roasting everyone and everything...for hours in rain and hail. We had inside jokes that still make me smile. There were moments when they needed me and there were moments when I needed them.

On the last day, when it was time to hike out...I was sad. I didn't want this group to dissipate. I knew once we made it down the mountain; The cell phones, Ipods, game systems and reality would set in. So I sat on a sunny rock and reflected on my summer of over coming loneliness, I realized I truly never felt a moment of loneliness with this group. I didn't think of my loses, or my decisions or my long distance friends. I lived for every moment I had with them. Just as I was having these thoughts a few of the boys came over, surprised by my anti-social behavior, they saw my watery eyes, and assured me of all the wonderful things the bottom of the mountain would bring. They once again made me laugh!

It reminds me to not take life so seriously...to be in the moment and life is not easy...challenges will come, but how you react to those challenges means everything!

I give full props to the Kelly house boys in Mercy home! You men have changed my life and my perspective! Thank-you for your humor and determination. You are going to be amazing men!

Love YOU! Kreature

live life to be free

2008-08-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how traveling provides such a sense of freedom. I have spent the last two weeks on a great adventure full of fun and new experiences. The first week I spent five days with the most insightful and unique bunch of people, in one of the most beautiful places...Orcas island. This week provided me with enough love and acceptance to remind myself that i am damn lucky to be who I am and that my life has brought me to these people and places for a reason. At the time I felt as if i was being rescused from my inapporiate sense of self doubt. Having this experience, I was able to align myself...to take a bigger leap to the country of Canada. Vancouver, Canada at this point has to be one of my favoriate cities of all time. Arriving in Canada, I felt at ease...the hustle and bustle was just a touch slower than any city in the US. The canadians were charming and helpful....and smiled whenever eye contact was made.
I was able to tour the city completely thanks to a dear friend who made free scooters avaliable and provided a great walking tour of the city.
As I think about all the people I have seen and met in the last month...I turn the looking glass on to me. How can I become more true to me. It is obvious that I am here..I just need a bit of tweeking to feel more purposeful in this life. I have allowed my circumstance to dictate who I am. So now I need to take the reigns;

I think travel will always be in my heart, I feel completely free and whole when I see new places. Even though I have wanted to settle in a place....I don't think that is who I am. I need travel to appericate the world and my temporary home.

I also belive that I need to get in touch with my creative side...I met some beautifully creative people...who ooooozed of self confidence and determination. They are following their dreams, and doing it without fear. I also had someone introduce me to partner dancing...it was what they called blues dancing..It was in between Swing and Patrick Swazye's dirty dancing ( leave it to canada to muddle the lines) But I was fortunate enough to dance with a great lead...who really also knew how to teach. I was so empowered my being lead on the dance floor...allowing someone else to take the lead....created space for me to enjoy the spins and movement that only dance can create. I didn't know that I had that in me...I love finding out that I have hidden skills that I haven't even found yet.

I spent my week in canada watching fireworks, looking at the ocean and creating a space within me for others. It ended in a lively celebration of the biggest gay pride event that I have ever seen. All walks of canadian people were represented...families, gays young and old, children. They have so much respect for each other...It provides a great backdrop for growth.

I hope I can take as much as I can from this experience...I really want to hold it close to my core. It made me feel whole again...I know vacation is a short-lived high....soon life will take over a create a distraction and soon it will be just memories.

But it is these experience..I live for.

I thank everyone and everything....

This could not have come at a better time.

Todays post revisted

2008-07-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

Wow...I need to buck up a bit.

If all single people acted the way I do...there would be no sex in the city, no queer as folk and definately no reality dating shows!

I do need to refocus...that is no joke!

But time is another healer that I should have a bit more faith in.

People are reaching out to me, they may be far away, but they are still reaching out!

And the reality is this next month is going to fly by...so I should see this down time as a blessing.

Patience is a virtue...Thank-you for being patient with me.

Kreature

I'm losing ground...

2008-07-08T05:38:00.000-07:00

I have no idea...why or how....

but I am regressing...

I can't get focused...

Getting up is a chore...everyday.

I feel like I can't do this

single and lonely....

I absolutley hate it...

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining

I'm over it!

another whining post...shocking

Kreature

4th of july aftermath

2008-07-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm just plain sad.

The holiday brought a sad, lonely sense of singlehood.

Normaly we would have been celebrating our 4th year together....we were a month short.

I tried to find simple ways to enjoy the day...but no matter what I did I couldn't shake the loneliness.

I feel like I don't laugh as much or connect with others.

Now our phone conversations are...short and not always so sweet.

It makes me sad...But I need to own this sadness.

I will get through it....but I miss him...again today.

the harsh reality

2008-07-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how difficult the transition is from the peaceful wilderness to reality can be. When we returned to the the van after five days in the wilderness. Even the movement of the van was too much for us. Even the kids I had spent time with...told me I feel like we are moving too fast can you slow down? Then there is the radio it was almost overwhelming to be presented with such noise! I love music, but trying to adjust to all the new noises and sensations was difficult. One of the kids even got car sick going 30mpr.

Only an hour after reaching home all the weirds of reality...started to show...roomates drinking beer and sake, eating fried food. The phone call to remind me what I had left behind a few days earlier....a cell phone bill that needs to be payed.

While the rest you were getting on with your lives, I was able to pause mine...climbing, camping and creating memories with kids that will always stick with me.

The simplicity of life on trial...makes this reality seem unecessary...overbearing and harsh.

I know I will adjust... I always do.

But I can say now that I am glad I have a quiet trial to escape to.

love kreature

Another Trip in the Terryalls

2008-06-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

"We must get beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey."

I'm looking forward to another challenging five days in the wilderness. My basic needs will be met and I will wish for the comforts of home.

This time I get to experience it with youth that may know the trip better than I do.

I will learn from them and continue on another journey.

See ya in five days......beetches!

love kreature

I am the responsible party

2008-06-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have spent my life taking responsiblity for my decisions, my experiences and my faults...almost to a ridiculous measure.

I feel that I am constantly evaluating myself, sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I feel empowered.

I don't believe however that things "happen to me"

All things that do occur are learning experiences, but for me to believe that some thing is trying to send me a sign...that doesn't fly with me.

I don't have control over everything, but I do choose to learn.

If I believed that something else was interfering with my life...I would take it out.

Because that thing has not got me to where I am now, It has not got me to where I am going and It will not support me in the future.

Things happen for a reason....yet I am the driver and I don't need a co-pilot who barley fits into this modern girls life.

If I lived my life based on what "something" is trying to tell me...I would't need to take responsibility for me...I could blame it on the "something".

That's not me I make mistakes, I don't always make the right decisions, I deal with what I have been delt. I don't need something...to tell me anything.

I did realize I had such an audience lately. Thank-you for reading and for the concern.
This bumb in the road is nothing compared to the mountians I have conquered.

love kreature

where is the path

2008-06-22T06:05:00.001-07:00

Just a few days ago I felt so sure of this path I am on...but the last few days has made me question once again...is this the path for me...it this what my spirit wants or have I made all these decsions based on impulse.

Feel a bit lost in this world I have created for myself, and with my recent bouts of bad Karma, I am questioning my purpose.

I am struggling with friendships, I sleep in my free time and now I am terrified to go out at night.

I want to be paitent with this process...

but I feel like I am losing sight at every turn...

Maybe a coffee with make me feel better...

One cup at a time one day at a time

love kreature

easy come, easy go

2008-06-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like the last few days I have been challeged again...

Just as I started to open up and trust new people, stupid circumstances have occured.

I tried to go out to Vails free concert with my young guide friends...the night had a great start but as it continued and the alcohol blurred my vision. I couldn't help feel a bit alone.

My young friends were caught up in thier own agenda...trying to get into bars with fake ID's trying to get thier ID's back when they were taken by the bouncer. They also were rookies to the vail scene, so the thoughts of being selective didn't really apply to them.

Just when I wanted them to stick it out for me they went home and I was alone to take on the vail scene...by myself. (not so fun)

And riding the bus from vail home was a blurry mess...but when I got off the bus I had an unexpected someone holding me up as I walked home...yet as I reached closer to home I relize that my wallet had been taken or lost. It frightened me that I was easy prey...I am now responsible for my own protection. And it seems that I had been preyed on by this unexpected person. money comes and goes...but the wallet had $360 dollars in it. Two days later someone turned it in to the police station with everything in it but the cash.

It has put me back in check, should I be walking home from the bar alone...Next time anyone tries to even speak to me on the street...will I recoil...grab my purse...or cause more of a scence because of this betrayl...I feel less open then ever before.

So as money is easy come easy go...so is my trust.

One step forward two steps back.....

love kreature

a sense of family

2008-06-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

I was so nervous when I started my new adventure as a Meet the Wilderness guide. I thought can I keep up, will I be able to fake being normal? (That is normal, not having CF) Will they see that I have more to offer than being an outdoor expert?

Well I couldn't fake normal...I huffed and puffed down the trail, I coughed and begged for a two minute break and I cried..several times...frusturated with my body and stamina and the feeling of failing to be normal. This is how it went on our hike days. I tried not to complain, but I did say FUCK! under my breath a few times.

But at the end of these days, the other guides supported me, assured me that they saw my courage and my struggle. They could recognize how hard I was working to be there and that my struggle showed my integrity.

They gave me the space to be me. A quailty you would expect from a family. A highly functional and positive family. I may not be the fastest, I may not be able to climb mountians with ease, but I know if I continue to be me...someone will be inspired by me, my life and my story.

Thank-you to my new MTW family for reminding me that I just need to be me and I don't need to compete to be "normal" with any one!

love kreature

A new journey

2008-06-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

This passage always puts things in perspective for me;

So why? Why go through it? Why even be here? The second answer is easy. Beacause here is where the beauty is. Here is where the sunsets are. Here is where the campsites and campfires are, and the clear deep waters and the loons, and the pines and the islands. And yes the storms the big winds and the rapids.

Here is where the journey is.

But why go through it? Why do I go through it? I think because no one else can go through it for me. And because the modern city world system uses people to get work done. Important work supposedly. That's the whole idea. That's why we get paid.

But here...here I'm using work to get myself done. What better work is there than that?

Or maybe it's enough to say that I am here, as another voyager once put it "to iron out the wrinkles in my soul.

And maybe it is the only on the trail to nowhere-in-particular that you find the most important thing of all.

Yourself!

Douglas Wood

I'm going to go do some work on myself now....

I love you kreature

Summertime and the livin'easy

2008-06-10T20:40:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends...I know I have been a bit absent these days...but a ton of things have happened in the last few months!
Here's the short version;
Dan moved back to Philly to continue his jorney to becoming an amazing chef...he loves his family & friends back home...and really wanted to be near them.
My health has been ifffy the last few months, so I choose to stay in the mountians and to take advantage of the fresh mountian air. I'm not out of the woods yet...but I have choosen to take it to the woods :)
I recently was hired at Meet the Wilderness, a great non-profit that takes urban chicago youth into the backcountry to camp, hike and climb. Most of these youth have never done anything close to camping and we get to introduce them to the great outdoors. It combines my love of at-risk-youth, teambuilding and camping....I am so excited!
Tomorrow, we go on our staff trip. I'm looking forward to getting out there and being away from all the things that have made my life a bit crazy!
This summer I hope to learn how to open up and ask for support. I'm a bit lost without Dan and now need to learn to reach out to my friends & family. I have never been that great at reaching out...but I can learn.
Most of my friends are all across the country...so I need to use this to communicate and reach out.
For those of you who have been so great and understanding always..thank-you. (you know who you are).
Change is good and growth isn't easy.
Please send me good energy and love
I love and miss you all!

being dramatic

2008-06-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

I don't like reading my own blog when I am so dramtic
it makes me feel whinny and weak
so I think i need to choose my words a bit more carefully
and I need to write when I am in a bit more of an open
carefree mood.
so for all my blog readers (not that I have many at this point)
I will try to be a bit more inspiring as opposed to whining

love kreature

Control issues

2008-06-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning with a sense of fear...

I have control of so little right now...

I have all these new things I need to put into my body...

heavy antibiotics...a new inhaler...allergy meds...these will all effect my state one way or another

For some this is routine...yet for me it feels like losing control

I'm fighting to stay on top of all of this...but the fear is winning right now...

Anixety...what a terrible state

I want to go back and change everything...I want him here near me...

I'm falling apart and trying to pick-up the pieces...but I'm spinning in circles.

I need to recover....but I have ran out of time.

Hopefully tomarrow will feel less overwhelming

love stinks kreature

getting back in to it...

2008-06-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

Now that all the drama...planning and preparing is over.

I now need to get back to a routine of work and play.

I have been hiding in my room...feeling alone.

Alone is something that needs to not terrifiy me, but it does right now.

I felt if I really let myself be alone..it would be o.k.

It still makes me sad to wake up alone.

I'm trying to be strong and they say that only time will heal a broken heart.

I'm not sure when I will feel open and happy again.

But for now I will have to fake it for myself and for him.

Did I mention I miss him?

In Singles the movie they say two weeks for every year you were together?

Great eight weeks....crap!

Luckily I go to denver for a doc appointment and get to meet a friend for dinner.

Tomarrow I work!!! Yeah!

not much love...kreature

a few friends, a soft little lambee and a couple glasses of wine

2008-06-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

When life gets hard...I believe that all of these things come in handy.

Adjusting to my new sense of independence...

I'm enjoying full control of me...

It feels a bit selfish...cause I miss him.

It's a bit of a slow ride but growth doesn't happen over night!

I'm still a bit gun shy...but that is to be expected

love kreature

morning

2008-05-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

I love waking up ealry...when the sun is coming up...the day feels so fresh and new. I haven't been up this early in a while. I love to take the oppurtunity to be up when most are still sleeping. I seems to give me a sense of serenity.

Most of the time I will sleep in as long as I can..But when there is a reason to be up early...it doesn't bother me.

Have a great morning!

love kreature

Star$ to beds...it's a good day!

2008-05-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

After being a lazy bum...for over a month, I get to go back to being a productive citizen and go to work!

Now Starbucks is absolutley as sell-out corporate as possible...but what makes it great is the people.

When your working at any coffee joint, there is a sense of fun, commotion, yet still easy-going!

The people I work with have such great energy and are always happy to see me.

The other perks Free Coffee...whenever I want!

Yeah! I'm looking forward to today...Yesterday was a doozey... I was in an emotional slump all day. Today the sun is shinning I bought a brand new bed:) and I get to see all the smiling faces at Starbucks!

love kreature

walk

2008-05-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

I took a long walk today...
I find it really calms me...
I'm doing something...yet I have plenty of time to think...
It's a very in the moment activity...
It's not about where I am going or where I have been it's about the moment that I am in.

i love it and will need to take these walks often in the next few weeks

beacause it is not getting any easier as june 1st approaches...but old life slowly disappears and my new one is starting to shine.

But there is still a lot of inbetween the old and new

love kreature

Fire!

2008-05-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

So I have so many cherished hierlooms from my mother, grandmother & great-aunt.

How do I sort through thier things and determined what stays and what goes?

I hardly knew thier lives and i don't really know what all the pictures, trinkets, proof of life events should mean to me...

there comes a point when clutter is clutter if there are 5 boxes full of things.

For the items that I want to part with, but can't having floating in a landfill...
I will burn; a sort of ceremonial fire to release the energy of these itmes to where ever it needs to go.

But it colorado we are not often allowed to have open flames any where...this may be a sneaky task.

love kreature

10 days.....countdown...

2008-05-21T08:51:00.000-07:00

In 10 short days I will be changed from

taken to single
two to one
dependent to independent
couple to a roomate
seeing him every day to alone
a bed of two to a bed of one
on the same path to different roads

It feels a bit dramatic today...I think of all the sweet things...not the hard stuff.
Send me peace today....it's becoming a bit too clear.

love kreature

Princes & Princesses

2008-05-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

When did fairy tales lose their credibility? Some of us grew up with these notions of happily ever after...after what? Struggle, conflict, pain, confusion, betrayal. So when our prince comes we question his integrity and relevance in these times. So I bet we pass up on our prince, because he no longer represents what we are looking for.

Yet the princess is no longer a woman that seeks to be rescued. Most make their own destiny and have already rescued themselves. So how then does the prince know what to look for?

No longer living in fairy tales, comes with it's advantages and disappointments.
But they are great stories that continue to send messages of love and hope.

AND....Sometimes in rare places and moments some princes & princesses find each other and continue to work together to find their pursuit of happily ever after.

love kreature

preparing to be single

2008-05-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!
Many women when going thorugh a divorce, break-up or seperation..find single life terrifiing! After speaking to a good girlfriend, she is considering leaving her boyfriend. I have already made the commitment to let mine go. He leaves June 1st.

Our fears of leaving the relationship presents itself in many ways;
Will I find someone better that who I am with?
What if this is the best one I will ever get?
What if I regret this decision once it is made?
How can I possibly get back to dating?
What if no one loves me, treats me, cares about me as much as he does?

We immediatley assume we aren't beautiful, good, or smart enough to catch another great guy.

We even ask the question...I may not be happy now...but this is good enough, and we turn back on ourselves by saying I am just being too picky!

As I prepare to be single, I find myself re-inventing who I am. When you enter a relationship you sacrifice ideas, hobbies and the single lifestyle you choose to leave behind. After living in this relationship you become a unit..where one relys on the other.

I think the hardest time comes when you try to remember who you were when you were single and how you can regain that indepence while still taking the things you learned from your relationship.

Everything happens for a reason they say. Single life is unpredictable, crazy and hopefully fun.
I am preparing by keeping a positive attitude, being open and being willing to see all the possibilities that may come my way. Oh the life of a single woman!

love kreature

BAD habits!

2008-05-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was young my bad habits were biting my finger nails, interrupting people when they were talking and drinking tons of mountain dew. Those habits were easy to break; I painted my nails, listen to what people had to say and switched to juice.

Now I have bad habits that I have had for 10 years; Eating a big dessert right before bed, ignoring my health problems and using a green plant to defeat bordem, tears and any other uncomfortable feelings.

I now have the oppurtunity to change these habits. My life will be doing a 180 in the next few weeks. I will be losing a boyfriend, moving into a house with roomates and start my dream job for the summer. All of these things will require a new sense of independence.

Which makes for a great chance to change these things. I remember hearing somewhere if you can get through 30 days of not giving in to your habit you will be successful! I have tried for the last week and truly failed!

So this week I will work on 3 habits;
1-Every morning do a BD and blog
2-I will have night time tea at 8:30 and not eat another sweet!
3-4:20 I will go for a walk.

It's not a perfect list but it is a good start. I'm not good at drastic measures...I'm more of a baby stepper. Hopefully this week will be a bit more successful than last.

love kreature

testing..testing..

2008-05-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

This is a test of my ability to write a blog....topics to explore...love...life...compassion...understanding...pain...the unexplained and me.

I can't wait to explore the possibilities...yet I have never communicated so publicly.
Lets see how that goes.

love kreature